My New Normal

FORGIVE

2009-01-01T07:51:00.003-06:00

I read Ali Edwards blog every day. She has a project where you pick a word for 2009. At first I went through the list she posted and while the words had meaning -- none of them "spoke" to me - they just did not feel right.

Last night we spent NYE with some great friends - we had a wonderful time just laughing and talking to both old and new friends - GREAT TIME.

I always feel sad when the new year begins because it just seems we are getting further away from Kaitlyn -- and last night was not exception - as we were saying goodbye to 2008 and welcoming 2009 the sadness came BUT I also had the inspiration for my focus and word -

FORGIVE

I am hanging on to resentments that I need to let go - I need to forgive these people in my heart for ME - for ME to be able to fully heal my heart.

I am going to work very hard to do this in 2009 - so I can truly honor Kaitlyn in a way that she would be happy - she had a heart of gold and would want me to forgive -especially her friends - I can hear her now "MOTHER you need to let it go" -

that is what I am going to do - let it go and forgive -

Happy New Year to all of you :)

Cheri

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T10:25:00.004-06:00

As we begin our third holiday season without Kaitlyn it stills seems unreal that she is not here with us and all to real at other times -- BUT this year we are looking forward to the holidays, spending time with family and friends and just taking time to enjoy each other because we are aware of how fast that can all change --

One of our traditions was to go see Santa on Thanksgiving weekend. This was from 1995. At that time I felt like I was on top of the world -- I had two healthy great kids, a amazing husband and life was perfect. I had hopes and dreams for my future and never in my wildest thoughts did I imagine my life as it is now. One thing that is certain is that our holidays are never going to be the same -- she is missed by our whole family and no matter what new traditions we start our days are filled with a sadness that will never go away.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful that we were able to have Kaitlyn in our lives for the short amount of time that God graciously allowed. She filled our house with laughter, tears and love. She taught us to look past outward appearences and to see what a person was like on the inside.

From our family to yours -- Happy Thanksgiving

The empty chair

2008-10-21T14:08:00.002-05:00

Last week my oldest Jeremy turned 20 -- where did time go -- It seems like yesterday I was a brand new mom with this little baby and then I turn around and he is grown (i know this is cliche but that is what it felt like) We are so lucky that he is our son and are very proud of him -- Jeremy has to deal with a very crazy mom that is constantly worried that something will happen to him and he does it without too much eye rolling --for that I am grateful --

We took Jeremy to dinner for his birthday as is our family tradition -- we went to Cheuy's and sat on the patio as it was a beautiful night. I am not sure why but since Kaitlyn died we have never sat at a table when eating out -- it has always been a booth when the three of us go out to dinner -- never even crossed my mind that we were doing this until last week -- the empty chair was almost too much for me to handle -- I had to work very hard not to start crying in the middle of the restaurant -- that would not have been fair to Jeremy -- it was his night and he deserved it to be about him -- but man it was so difficult -- I spent time thinking about how different the night should have been -- we should have all been together celebrating Jeremy's birthday -- I just wanted to hear them laugh together one more time -- tease each other and even argue - just to see them together -- to have our family complete one last time would have been amazing.

That empty chair was confirmation AGAIN that she is gone -- that our family is just never going to be the same and the time passing is not making it easier - in some ways it is getting harder because I want it to get better but when things like seeing the empty chair bring me to my knees it is like starting all over again in this grief process -- I just want this to even out somehow -- that the waves stop crashing over me when I least expect it -- I just want to stop my heart from hurting so much all the time.

I am not sure how I can make the pain go away but I do know that I will not be sitting at a table for a long time - I can't handle the empty chair right now

Remembering Kaitlyn

2008-08-26T21:37:00.003-05:00

Not much to say today -- Jon, Jeremy and I are just going to try to make it through today as best we can - I hope this brings a smile to your face

We love you Kaitlyn and not a day goes by that you are not missed

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Kaitlyn and Wesley

2008-08-23T08:59:00.011-05:00

Memorial Day 2005 brought a special person into our lives -- Wesley Dunchoff -- we met Wesley at our friend's The Woodward's -- He is from Dothan AL and was in Houston at MD Anderson for Cancer treatment. Kaitlyn and Jeremy formed a very special bound with Wesley -- they would go up to the hospital weekly to spend time with him and talked with him on the phone daily.

Wesley was a very special person who had more faith than anyone I have ever known. He touched Jeremy and Kaitlyn in a way that I have never seen. They loved Wesley and considered him a true friend.

One of the last things that Kaitlyn wrote was an essay at school titled "My Hero" -- she wrote about Wesley. I have not shared this essay with his mom yet because we when lost Kaitlyn on Aug 27 she was dealing with the one year anniversary of Wesley passing away. This was not the time -- I will share the essay later this week on my blog -- I am sending it to Angie to let her know what a special person her son was to my daughter.

This Tuesday and Wednesday please remember Wesley and Kaitlyn -- we lost two very special people the last week of August 2005 and 2006 and it gives me peace to know that they are together in Heaven with Jesus --

Hope

2008-07-20T09:13:00.004-05:00

I have a friend that I met on 2Peas and she is going through crap with her daughter -- her daughter ran away and was gone for three weeks. Mom was frantic with worry and thankfully daughter returned safe -- they have a long road ahead of them but for now her daughter is safe. Hugs to you both and know that we are here for you.

This got me thinking -- and wondering -- would it be better to not know where Kaitlyn was and have the hope that she may walk in the door OR have the knowledge of where she is and know that I will never see her again (well until I get to Heaven)

This is what my friend wrote to me about her feelings:

"The hope of seeing her again really WAS the only thing that kept me going most of the time.. take that away and well I don't know how you go on. "

I don't have anything to compare the two feelings too because Kaitlyn never went missing so I guess it is easy for me to say that I would change places with them because I wish so desperately that I still had the HOPE that she will maybe one day walk through the door again.

While I empathize with families that have loved ones missing I can't help but be jealous of the HOPE that they still have. I am sure that they are hurting and missing their loved ones and while I wish I could say that I understand -- I don't because I would LOVE to change places with them (I think).

Dreams of Kaitlyn

2008-07-01T10:18:00.004-05:00

For the past couple of nights I have been having dreams of Kaitlyn -- it has been in the same setting -- a summer camp. She was SO happy. She was swimming, hanging with her friends (it is funny because the only ones I recognized were Wesley and Stephen Cage but there were lots of kids there) -- they were just having a great time. She would talk to me but it was always from across the "park". She told me that she knew we wanted her home but that they were VERY HAPPY there and that we should be happy for them. She would then go with her friends and turn and wave goodbye -- I would wake up at that moment,

Then last night something changed She came to me and I was able to hug her -- really hug her -- I swear I smelled her perfume and I FELT her in my arms - it was so amazing. She whispered in my ear that she loved me and that I would be OK. I didn't want to let go but she told me I had to let her go -- she walked across the park turned and waved goodbye -- then I woke up.

It was so hard to wake up and realize that this was a dream -- IT WAS SO REAL.

I want this to stop -- I want to wake up and realize that the dream is that she died -- that she is still here -- is that really too much to ask????

My new normal still sucks

Another Huffing Victim

2008-06-22T22:03:00.002-05:00

I just read about another younger person that is in the hospital from huffing -- She is 13 years old and unconscious. WHEN is this going to stop -- WHAT can I do to make it stop -- it is just so frustrating to hear about these senseless deaths -- I am tired of the pain in my heart from not having Kaitlyn here.

I have a renewed fire in my soul to DO SOMETHING -- I am just not sure what yet -- do I reach out to the manufacturers of this crap and try to work with them to get more awareness out to the kids -- I am thinking this may be the way to go with it -- maybe if they get behind a PSA campaign it will reach more people then what I am doing and I will not have to read about another family dealing with this.

URGHHH I am just so frustrated right now --

Memories

2008-06-14T17:00:00.003-05:00

For the longest time I have been having a hard time remembering the little things about Kaitlyn and it really was getting to me -- I mean it hasn't even been two years and it seemed like I couldn't remember her anymore.

For the past couple of days I have been having random memories coming back to me -- like the way she used to say squirral and yellow, how she LOVED to go fishing, what a talented artist she was. I have bought a small notebook that I keep with me at all times so that when I do get a random memory I can right it down.

This sudden burst of memories got me to thinking -- is my brain ready for me to deal with the fact that this is all I have left of Kaitlyn -- memories. Am I ready to deal with the reality that is now my life -- I am not sure if I am but I am glad to get the memories.

On the memories thread -- I went to CKU last weekend -- I was very excited to go because I was taking the album track with Margie. I just love her style. It was awesome to get to meet her in person -- she is so funny and just so down to earth. It was a great day. I also took a mini class with Tim Holtz. Anyone that knows me knows that I am anal about things being perfect -- WELL I had to let that go in his class and let me tell you it was WONDERFUL. It is OK not to be perfect --

This lesson goes so much deeper than scrapbooking for me -- once I got it I was in tears -- It is OK that I was not the perfect mom to my kids and more importantly is OK that they are not "perfect" in the eyes of the world -- BUT to me there are not two more PERFECT children in the world.

OH one more thing -- I developed a serious crush on Tim -- he is just the sweetest and cutest man in the world -- AND he has all this cool stuff that I am just loving to use now -- I am trying to figure out a way to get him here for the next Kaitlyn's Crop :)

Cheri

18

2008-02-25T09:18:00.003-06:00

In 2 days it will be 18 months since we lost Kaitlyn -- this month she would have turned 18 years old -- why does it feel like the 18 years flew by and the 18 months have been forever????

This weekend I went away to a scrap retreat with a great group of friends (both old and new) -- these ladies are crazy scrappers that never sleep while we are there -- it just boggles my mind that they are able to do this and still function -- me I need my sleep :) anyway ........ one of my closest friends who has been with my through ALL of the ups and downs with Kaitlyn was there with me -- her daughter is the same age as Kaitlyn so she is in the middle of all the Senior Year craziness and fun -- We were looking at the sneak peek of L's senior pictures and man it felt like I had been kicked in the stomach -- not that I was not wanting to see the pictures but realizing that I will not have that with Kaitlyn -- I had to leave the room so that I would not break down in front of all the ladies --

There is a reason for the long post -- I want ya'll to realize that it is OK to talk to me about what is going on with your kids -- I WANT to hear about it -- but also realize that I may have to step away for a bit at times to catch my breath or break down and cry - but it is not because of something that was said -- it is because that it just how it is for me now -- the pain and sadness does not go away because I don't hear the stories -- it is with me always -- BUT I am sad to know that I am missing out on the happiness and fun time that ya'll are experiancing. So PLEASE talk to me -- tell me what is going on -- and know that it is OK for me to cry or laugh or just walk away if I have to -- as weird as it sounds I need to do these things because it confirms that my love for Kaitlyn is still as strong as it was the day she was born and the day that we lost her. As her mom I need to know that these feelings are still in my heart.

I was telling Jon about what happened this weekend and he remineded me that this is how we are able to continue to live our lives, have happiness and even joy when the most horrible thing in the world for a parent has happened -- we are able to FEEL our love for Kaitlyn and this release allows us to continue living when many times we just want to stay in home and not face the reality that is now our lives.

For us our tears are not tears of sadness -- they are tears filled with LOVE.

Happy Birthday Kaitlyn

2008-02-12T14:13:00.000-06:00

Kaitlyn would have been 18 last Thursday -- this is the day she looked forward to more than any that I can remember -- she wanted to be 18 so very bad -- to her it meant freedom -- to me it meant my baby was one step closer to becoming an adult -- she never did get to be 18 but I think she has the ultimate freedom now --

That day was extremely hard for Jon and I -- both of us had a very hard time that day -- which is weird because that has never happened before - usually one of us is there for the other one but Thursday was the hardest day for both of us since we lost Kaitlyn -- and since it has been so long no one thought to call us to see how we were doing -- so we had to rely on each other to get through the day -- it made us both realize that no matter what happens we WILL be there for each other and together we will make it through the bad day for the rest of our lives.

Kaitlyn's friends are all turning 18 this year too and many of them are getting tattoos as a remememberance of Kaitlyn -- Here is her friend Kelly's tattoo and why Kelly got the tattoo.

Ever since i met kaitlyn she has always loved butterflys. probabley because they are so beautiful and harmless just like her. Everyone could see no matter how much kait tried to seem tough, deep down she has such a big heart, she will do anything for you because she would never want to see her friends sad. A butterfly really symbolizes her, nothin else could be more perfect then gettin a butterly for her, but to show it is just for her i made the body of the butterfly a cross. and when i have the guts i will get it finished and put RIP kaitlyn over it like in a rainbow shape over the tattoo. im glad im one of the first people to get a tattoo for her because now all her friends wants to show how much they care. i got the tattoo as soon as i could and would have gotten it the day you left us but i had to wait till i turned 18 and i got it that day! i didnt wait another minute! i never want to forget kaitlyn and i feel like seeing this tattoo will always remind me. i think about her everyday since i see my tattoo in the mirror everyday, sometimes it makes me cry but other times it makes me so happy because i look at the bright side and see how much shes changed so many peoples lives. and it makes me so happy to know it will be there forever. :) just like she wil be in my heart forever. i will never find another friend like her but im so honered that i at least had her in my life for as long as i did. i love you and miss you terribly kait. keep watchin over us.

Cheri

If only....................

2007-11-20T08:20:00.000-06:00

IF ONLY has been driving me crazy lately --

If only...
we had paid more attention to the signs that Kaitlyn was using again -- maybe she would still be here

If only ....
I had not gone away that fateful weekend -- maybe I would have tested her sooner and she would still be here

If only....
we had never moved to Texas and stayed in Louisiana -- she may not have ever started using drugs in the first place and she would still be here

If only.....
she had not decided she needed to get high one more time -- she would still be here.

IF ONLY - I could go back to Aug 26, 2006 and know what I know now she would still be here

If only I could make my heart stop hurting so bad that sometimes I really feel like I will not be able to get through the day -- but I do because I have to.

If only Kaitlyn was here today getting ready to head to Louisana to spend time with family for Thanksgiving --

If only does not come around a lot thank goodness because when it does it drives me crazy --

We are beginning our second holiday season with out Kaitlyn and I wish I could say it is better this year but it is not because now we are expected to be better -- we have gone through the "first" of everythings but I think this one is harder for both Jon and I because we don't have the shock factor anymore -- it hits us smack in the face -- she is not here -- and we think IF ONLY...

We love you Kaitlyn

Thank You

2007-10-11T15:18:00.000-05:00

We went to Compassionate Friends on Tuesday night and the "theme" for the night was how people act different around you once you have lost a child -- it got me thinking about my friends.

I just wanted to say Thank You to all of you for letting me talk about Kaitlyn ALL the time and not rolling your eyes or asking me when I was going to get on with my life. Thank you for letting me cry when I need to even though "it is been over a year". Thank you for still being my friend and including me even though "it is hard to know what to say to me now" Thank you for going through this WITH me and not just watching from the sidelines --

All of the statements in quotes were things that were told to other parents at the meeting and it just blew me away that their friends and even some of their family said these things to them. It made Jon and I realize that we are truely blessed to have the support of awesome people in our lifes that have made this past year OK for us.

So to all of our friends and family --THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts for letting us continue to grieve our baby girl and being there when we so desperately needed you.

Cheri

Heros

2007-08-20T09:36:00.000-05:00

Last week I had a long time co-worker leave our company -- before he left he sent out the customary good bye email to everyone and he called me "a hero in our midst".

That comment made me cry and got me to thinking -- I don't consider myself a hero -- I don't consider myself strong either --

I am just a mom who is doing what she can to make sure her daughter is remembered for the wonderful person she was -- and to make sure that people understand that this is in our back yards -- it is not somewhere else or happening to other people -- it is effecting families that we know, people we go to church with, your next door neighbor.

I am just a mom that does not want to see teens waste their lives for a few minutes of getting high, I am just a mom that does not want to meet another mom that knows exactly how I feel -- that gets the looks when we tell them how our children died. I am just a mom that is doing this because it is all I have left to do for Kaitlyn.

I am just a mom who cries everyday for what could have been and for what is -- many days I just don't want to get out of bed --

So no I am not a hero -- I am just a mom who is loves BOTH of her kids with all of my heart.

Memories of Kaitlyn

2007-08-11T09:12:00.000-05:00

Click to play Make your own Smilebox

My friend Kedra shared the site Smilebox with us last night at our crop -- this is what I came up with this morning. I thought I would share some memories of Kaitlyn.

Unknown Sender

2007-07-18T15:54:00.000-05:00

******UPDATE******

I have been getting blank emails from "unknown sender" since the day after Kaitlyn died. I had never gotten them before then. Now some people my say that I am crazy, need to let go, poor thing she is not dealing with her loss _BUT I truely believe in my heart that these are from Kaitlyn. She LOVED the computer so what better way for her to reach out then through emails. Some days I get one or two everyday -- sometimes it is many days before I get one -- but usually all I have to say is 'Baby Girl I need to here from you" and one shows up in my in box the next day.

It has been awhile since I got my email and I have been busy helping Jeremy get ready for his big move to Baton Rouge this weekend so I haven't really noticed the lack of email -- today for some reason I am needing to "hear" from her -- so "Baby Girl -- I need to hear from you" -- hopefully she is listening and I wake up tomorrow with an email from unknown sender -- or what I like to call "Hi MOM !!!"

Message from Kaitlyn

2007-05-21T13:39:00.000-05:00

We are coming up to nine months without Kaitlyn -- some days it seems like forever and some days is seems like yesterday. I have been asking her to let me know that she is around a lot lately. I didn't think she was listening to me.

We are moving out of offices this week and we are in the middle of cleaning up seven years of stuff -- while going through one of my old message pads I came across this priceless message:

I LOVE YOU too Kaitlyn -- I just miss her so much.

Removing Her Computer

2007-04-18T19:43:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to organize our office for a couple of months. I have been doing a little every night for the past week. Tonight I took down Kaitlyn's computer -- I never thought that something so simple would be so hard -- I have been crying the whole time I have been moving it -- it makes it seem so real (like her not being here for the past 8 months hasn't been real) -- this is the first thing of hers that we do something with -- I cannot begin to think what it will be like when I go through her room. I miss her so much that I cannot even begin to descibe the ache in my heart. I just want to wake up from this awful nightmare.

When I look over in the corner where her computer used to be it just looks so empty -- just like I feel.

I love you Kaitlyn

Smile for Today

2007-03-23T07:26:00.000-05:00

Here is our newest family member *PEANUT*

Thanks Aunt Dee Dee

Missing Kaitlyn

2007-03-21T22:41:00.000-05:00

Kaitlyn had a love of life that was contagious -- she had fun where ever she went (sometimes a little too much fun) -- I miss her goofiness so much -- I would do anything to deal with her craziness -- her loudness -- HER just one more time -- will this pain EVER go away.

Jeremy misses her so much too and is hurting but does not know how to express his feelings -- so many times it comes out in other ways -- Impatient when things are not going his way, moodiness more than normal, easy to anger, and just plain sadness. Everyone has gone on with their lives -- expecting Jon, Jeremy and me to do the same -- it is not happening -- everyday we are reminded that our lives are NEVER going to be the same. What so many people take for granted we don't anymore. We are scared to get close to people because we know how much it hurts when it is gone. We treasure important people in our lives and don't let "little stuff" get in the way because we know that whatever happens NOTHING is as bad as what we have gone through already. At the same time we have an "I don't care" attitude that many people just don't get -- our whole way of living has forever changed us -- little things don't bother us anymore -- we don't sweat the small stuff -- I just wish there was a way to make people understand -- we are not the same people we were August 26, 2006 -- those people are gone -- the ones that took their place are fragile -- we are still trying to become whole again -- We don't expect people to walk on eggshells BUT we do hope that they would try to understand that a HUGE part of our heart is forever gone -- we are incomplete -- not sure when we will be whole again --

Sunday Nights

2007-03-19T09:35:00.000-05:00

It has been 28 Sunday Nights since my world turned upside down -- 29 weeks ago yesterday (March 18) was the last time I talked to Kaitlyn.

Will my Sunday's ever be the same -- will I ever stop looking at the clock at 8:10 pm and think "What IF ..........."

Sunday Nights for me used to be watching Extreme Makeover, Depespate Housewives and Greys Anatomy with Kaitlyn -- it was something we did together -- Jon was at church and Jeremy was at work -- just us veggen out in front of the TV -- I have not watched any of these shows in 29 weeks -- I just can't do it --

When will Sunday nights be about veggin in front of the TV again with no flashbacks to that horrible night -- I still hear the paramedics talking when the DH theme song comes on -- to keep me sane I have to believe that one day I will get past this feeling of dread at 8:10 pm every Sunday -- that the time will come when Sunday Nights are just like any other night --

Unfortunately I don't see that happenning anytime soon

10 Year Plan

2007-03-10T21:24:00.000-06:00

Today was a hard day for Jon and I -- Justin got married -- Justin has become a part of our family over the last couple of years. We love this kid and his family -- it was always my wish that Justin and Kaitlyn would get married one day - I called it my 10 Year Plan. Both of them laughed at me :)

That plan will never happen --

I really did not think today would be so HARD for us -- we have come to love Desare (Justin's new wife) very much -- but it just broke my heart today when it hit me -- I will NEVER have this day with Kaitlyn - I won't help her pick out her dress. I won't be able to laugh and have fun with her friends while decorating the church-- I will never get stressed over the details not going just right on her big day. I will never see Kaitlyn walk down the aisle to meet the man of her dreams -- I will never see the look of pure joy on Jon's face as he walks her down the aisle -- it just hit me like a ton of bricks as I was taking pictures -- my heart hurts today.

To Justin and Desare -- you will never know what today meant to me and Jon -- to be a part of your special day even in a small way will never be forgotten -- we got to meet a whole new group of GREAT kids -- and we got to see two very special people in our lives start their lives together -- much love and well wishes - we are always here for you two -- Now I have a new ten year plan -- I will be celebrating with Justin and Desare as they reach their 10 year anniversary.

Cheri

It's all about choices

2007-02-28T14:32:00.000-06:00

Tonight I will be speaking to a group of High School Students who are a part of the Shattered Lives program:

Here is what I am going to say tonight -- hopefully it will get through and the choices will be the right one.

My name is Cheri Vallery and my daughter Kaitlyn died on August 27, 2006 . In my wildest dreams, I never thought something like this would happen to our family Many times we don’t realize the choices we make have more than just an impact on ourselves. Your choices are far reaching – they touch many people. Today at the accident scene many of your parents had to pretend to identify your bodies, pretend to react to the news that you had died, pretend to realize that they will NEVER see you again. For me it is not pretend – I had to do all of those things just six months ago without the luxury of Kaitlyn coming home the next day. All because of a choice she made

Death is forever – one bad choice can mean that your family’s lives are forever changed. Kaitlyn has a mom and dad – a mom that will never get to see her get dressed for the prom, see her graduate from high school, help her move into the dorm at college, shop for her wedding dress, be with her when her children our born. Her dad will never be able to harass her dates when they come to pick her up, never get to see her all dressed up for the prom, stand with pride when she graduates from high school and goes on to college, never get to walk her down the aisle when she gets married, never get to hold her children in his arms and have them call him papa bear like she did EVERYDAY.

Kaitlyn had a brother named Jeremy who no longer has his sister, they can no longer complain about me and their dad together, he lost his best friend – someone who has been a part if his life since he was 14 months old. She had grandparents that no longer have their granddaughter – no one to call them granny and grampy – no one to get hugs from, no one that is Kaitlyn.

She had aunts and uncles that miss her EVERYDAY. She has a 5 year old cousin named Sarah that still does not understand why Kaitlyn is not here anymore. Our family holidays and get togethers are forever changed –we will always have someone missing – someone that we wish was still there. When we want to “see” Kaitlyn we go to the cemetery – all we have to visit is a piece of metal that marks where she is buried. To hear her voice we call her cell phone hoping that by some miracle she will answer -- she doesn't All because of a choice that she made

Kaitlyn has MANY friends that still miss her very much. They cannot believe that their best is friend is dead and will never come back. No more will the hear the familiar “Hey Girlfriend”; see the huge smile she always had on her face. All of the plans and dreams that they made for the rest of their lives are forever changed. There will be no prom night for them, no Senior Trip, no first apt, no serving in each others wedding, no seeing their kids grow up together. These are ALL hopes and dreams Kaitlyn and her friends had with each other – but not anymore. All because of a choice that she made.

When you get into a vehicle with someone that has been drinking, smoking pot or anything else that makes them not able to drive a car safely you are making a choice that could affect your family and friends. When you get behind the wheel of a car and you have been drinking, smoking pot, rolling ect you are taking not only your life but the life of anyone that happens to be on the road with you in your hands. Think about your plans and dreams for the future – think about your mom and dad, your sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends – think about what there lives will be like All because of the choices that you make.

If you find yourself in a situation that just does not feel right to you – make a phone call – call your parents to come and pick you up – they may not be happy with you once you get home BUT I promise you that they would much rather get a call from YOU than a Police Officer or the Morgue, if you can’t call your parents call a friend that you know is sober or call ME – I will give each and everyone of you my phone number – I would much rather get woken up in the middle of the night then having to read in the paper that one of you were in an accident or worse – that I have to make a trip to the funeral home and see the devastation that your choice caused your family and friends–

I am sure by now that you notice a theme in my story – CHOICE – ultimately that is what it comes down too – CHOICES – it is up to you to decide if you the choice you make is going to be the right or wrong one. Each one of you received an orange awareness bracelet with Kaitlyn’s Promise on it – I would love you to wear it everyday as a reminder of the choices you have and how they affect everyone around you. Kaitlyn does not have that ability anymore – but I know in my heart that she would want each and everyone of one of you to make the right choice - -that is Kaitlyn’s Promise to you.

2007-02-13T05:40:00.001-06:00

Happy Birthday Kaitlyn

This past week has been bittersweet for me. Kaitlyn's 17th birthday was Feb 7th. It was a very weird day for me -- surreal -- just as bad as when I first realized that she is NEVER coming home again.

We spent time on Wednesday with her friends -- had a good time remembering Kaitlyn. On Saturday we did a balloon release at a local park --

When will this get better I keep asking myself -- when will I get through the day without crying -- without wanting to just scream -- without wanting to just HIT something. I just don't want anymore -- I don't want to go to work -- I don't want to have to deal with the pain -- I don't want to go visit my daughter at the cemetary -- I don't want to wake up each day and realize that this was not a bad dream --

6079 154

2007-01-22T11:19:00.000-06:00

Those two numbers are the number of days I had with Kaitlyn and the number of days she has been gone --

154 is so much smaller that 6079 BUT it seems so much longer that I have been without her. How many more days will it take for it to seem real -- for me not to think she is going to walk in the door with her famous "HEY GIRLFRIEND" ? When will I be able to see her friends (who I love dearly) without feeling like I have been kicked in the stomach?

Did she enjoy all of 6079 days here -- was she happy -- did she know how much she meant to me ???? Did she realize how many people called her friend and REALLY miss her -- I hope that somehow she can see just how many people she touched in the 6079 days that she was here and just how many people's live's are forever changed because of something that happened 154 days ago.

I love you Kaitlyn

Eyes Wide Open

2007-01-20T15:44:00.000-06:00

I have been asked to be on a panel at the kids HS to talk about teen addiction -- I have my "speech" ready -- Here it is --

My name is Cheri Vallery and my daughter Kaitlyn was a drug addict. I am here because she died from this horrible disease on August 27, 2006 . In my wildest dreams, I never thought something like this would happen to our family. We talked to our kids about the dangers of drugs, we asked questions about where they were going, we knew their friends. We did all of the “right” things - but it still got us. I so wish I could be up here telling you that Kaitlyn was the only person to use – that she used drugs all by herself – but sadly that is not true. Kaitlyn did not WANT to be an addict. This was not something she got up one day and thought, “Cool, today I think I will become a drug addict.” Drug addiction is an equal opportunity killer. It does not care who your friends are, where you live, how much money you have or what school you attend. This could easily be one of you up here instead of me. I am here tonight to put a face to addiction.

Someone told me recently that we have to teach teens to make the right choices – like my husband and I somehow didn’t do that. I wish it was that easy to make right choices – even adults often struggle over making the “right” choice. But I do hope that sharing Kaitlyn’s story will give teen’s additional information to help them make the right choice. By pretending drug use does not happen here would make Kaitlyn’s death seem meaningless and like she did not matter because she died from drug use. We need to raise awareness in our area and bring the issue out in the open – there are drugs in The Woodlands and until we face that reality more kids will die!!!!!!!!!

“Anyone who is sitting here tonight feeling guilty over your child or a friend’s drug use, I want you to give it only one more minute, and then I want you to let it go. The drug use is not our fault. You must understand that this is a billion dollar industry and dealers are targeting our children. Many parents simply aren’t equipped to deal with this. Even if you think your child won’t use drugs, they will be exposed to the dangers. They are growing up in this drug culture.”
What hurts the most (besides my beautiful baby girl not being here any longer) is that as her mom I was not able to fix the hurt that made her turn to drugs. One of my main purposes in life now is to not let what happen to our family happen to anyone else if at all possible. Kaitlyn was a GREAT kid. So many people called her a friend. She did not like to see people picked on and stood up for them. I am going to read a letter from a girl in one of Kaitlyn’s classes. This is just one example of her kindness:

My name is Mary and Kaitlyn was in my geometry class last year. I would sit next to her every day and we would talk about everything, especially of how proud she was of herself for being sober for 8 months straight. I was so proud of her too. I regret not getting to know her better. She was a great friend to me. In that class I would get made fun of by a huge group of guys. It was Kaitlyn who stood up for me and told them to stop. She was a great friend to me even though I didn’t know her that well. Kaitlyn was always jokin around about how stupid I was. She always made me laugh. She was just a very easy person to talk to and to have fun with. She was a great girl. Kaitlyn was so smart too. Her only problem was that she didn’t try hard enough in school. I bet that if she tried she would have been really good at anything she wanted to be good at. Kaitlyn was an easy person to get to know. She was an easy person to get along with and become great friends with. She knew how to treat people the right way. I miss her so much. Seeing her at the viewing made me cry my eyes out because she looked like an angel. She was so beautiful that i couldn’t take it anymore. I cried to people that i never got along with because a death brings everyone closer together. She showed me that life is short and you need to live life to its fullest. You need to love your family and always tell them that you do. You need to let them understand that you love them because one day you might be gone forever and you would never get to tell the people that you love how much you love them. So I want to thank you Kaitlyn. You showed me what love really is. You showed me that things can happen. You never know what could happen and you never could believe that bad things could happen to you until they do. I miss you terribly Kaitlyn. I love you dearly. You will always be in my heart. I will always remember you. I will always remember you smile and the happy times we shared together. Rest In Peace girl. I know that you are in a better place. Just know that I love you girl and that I will never forget you. You are in my prayers. Love, Mary Goldknopf goodbye Kaitlyn)

Kaitlyn organized a carwash for her friend, Wesley, that was in MD Anderson dying of cancer. She CARED about people. It saddens me that when some people think about her now they may forget about the true Kaitlyn. The real Kaitlyn was the one that made everyone around her smile, the one who always entered a room with a bright smile on her face. That is the Kaitlyn I will always remember – that is the Kaitlyn her friends remember – that is the Kaitlyn I want all of you to remember.

From what we have learned since she died, Kaitlyn began using in 8th grade after she had been date raped at a party. The kids had been drinking at this party. The pain and embarrassment was too much for her to handle, so she turned to drugs. They were easy to get – her friends stole them from their parents and gave them to her. That is where it began. There are no excuses to start using drugs, BUT it gives me a reason to better understand why she did what she did. The next step for Kaitlyn was pot - also easily obtained from kids at school. As soon as we became aware of her using pot, we put Kaitlyn in rehab in Nov 2004 for three weeks. Kaitlyn came home for Christmas and did great - while she was home. When Kaitlyn went back to school and into the environment where she was using, she relapsed and was arrested for drug possession. I thank GOD everyday that she was arrested – it gave us 19 more months with Kaitlyn – 16 of which she was clean. Kaitlyn attended AA meetings and she hung around with “clean” kids. During this time, we saw the “real” Kaitlyn. This was the Kaitlyn that attended CP. Kaitlyn’s proudest day was when she reached her one year sober anniversary last January 2006. I think just about everyone she was close to knew that Jan 27 was her sober date

I am not sure what triggered her to start using again. Was it the fact that she started hanging out with her old crowd? Did something else traumatic happen to her or did the addiction just win out again? That is something we will never know – it went to her grave with her.

Many people ask me about “warning signs.” I wish I could give you an easy formula to see if your child is using. The first time Kaitlyn used drugs, we had no clue. The only reason we became aware of a problem is because one of her friends came to us and let us know how bad the situation was – THANK YOU Justin. Many of the warning signs have been talked about by other members of the panel. While looking back I see some of them – the excuses, the bloodshot eyes, the change in grades, the anger and aggression

When Kaitlyn got of rehab the first time, I had a serious conversation with all of her friends. I BEGGED them to come to me and let me know if she was using again. My very words to them were “it will take one of you dieing to realize how serious a problem this is.” They assured me they would come talk to me. And I believed a bunch of drug-using teenagers. Those who were more worried about having a “good time” using drugs themselves and not getting their friend mad at them - instead saving her life.

Looking back, the second time down this crazy road of drug use there were some warning signs. The biggest red flag I see was the fact that she was hanging out with her old friends from the time she first began using drugs. I think Jon and I placed too much confidence in Kaitlyn to be able to handle herself. We believed that she had beat the drug addiction and “all was good” – she was strong enough. We were so wrong.

They say hindsight is 20/20. If I could re-live the 3 months before Kaitlyn died, I ask myself what we might have done differently.

The one and only thing WE could have done is to continue the random drug testing. You cannot force the kids to go to support groups and AA meetings. That is a choice they have to make. Ultimately, it was her CHOICE to use – in Al Anon they teach us that we did not cause this disease, we cannot control it nor can we cure it.

In our community, we have must encourage our kids to look out for each other. We need to help them realize that it is OK to talk to an adult if their friends are doing something harmful to themselves. As parents we need to TALK to one another and keep each other informed of what our kids are doing. It is not OK to hide this under the rug and pretend drug use doesn’t happen in our neighborhoods. Silence and secrets are the addict’s best friends. I would be doing Kaitlyn’s memory a disservice if I just stayed home and acted like her death only affected out family – it didn’t. It affected kids in all of the HS in the area, not to mention her friends and family in LA. I hear everyday from someone how her death made them think twice about what they are doing. So to the person that told me that we need to teach teens to make good choices – I think Kaitlyn is now doing that everyday. That is who Kaitlyn was – someone who helped other people at all times. This is Kaitlyn’s Legacy.

This is why Kaitlyn’s Promise was created. The night Kaitlyn died, at the hospital I asked one if her friends if she had been using. “YES, Miss Cheri. She had started using Cocaine and was “dusting” keyboard cleaner.” My heart broke. THEY KNEW she was using drugs. I had BEGGED them to come to me and THEY didn’t and now my daughter is dead. The rage I felt at these kids was intense. I made a promise to Kaitlyn that night – NONE of her friends were going to end up like her if I can help it. We must have courage to speak up about this problem. It does not tarnish the reputation of the schools or the community; it can only help make the situation better. To me, speaking up and saving lives helps more than doing nothing - by pretending drug use is not going on and that we live in a perfect world.

Kailtyn’s Promise is a website that we have set up that kids can go to and let someone know that their friend is doing something harmful. We forward all emails with drug use information or cries for help to school counselors for them to look into further. We also have other adults that have come forward and volunteered to be contacts on the web site. Many times, a familiar name is all that is needed for the kids to reach out for help. Our ultimate goal is to offer a free drug test to any parent who cannot afford to pay for one. We are also trying to set up amemorial scholarship in Kaitlyn’s name for a deserving Senior who has turned their life around and would like to continue to persue the goals.

Drugs tore our family apart – they were the main focus in our family for two years – they won a battle in our house, but not the war. PLEASE don’t let them win in yours. Just say no. If only it could be that simple.

Just some random thoughts.....

2007-01-05T20:42:00.000-06:00

I frequent a scrapbooking website EVERYDAY :) Recently there was a post about a Christmas card that someone recieved from a family member with a picture of the sender's daughters at the grave of their brother who had died 3 years ago. It raised the question on if people thought it was "appropriate".

I have to be honest --before Kaitlyn died my answer would have been "YES" very weird -- but now --not so weird. It is my greatest fear that Kaitlyn will be forgotten -- I want her to ALWAYS be remembered. I notice that I go out of my way to include her in conversations. When her friends come over I make sure that they have pictures of her, I gave everyone windchimes for Christmas as a rememberance of her. I totally get where that mom was coming from -- this is her reality -- her son is in a grave BUT he is still her son. So who knows what I will be sending out in three years for Christmas cards -- My only hope that Kaitlyn's memory is still strong in everyone's mind.

The post also had conversation about grieving parents -- We WANT to talk about our children, we appreciate the random phone call asking how we are doing. A card in the mail touches us in a way that you will never understand (hopefully).

Now for an update of sorts -- I went to speak to the prinicipal at Kaitlyn's school today -- I want to preface this by saying that I think he is a wonderful prinicpal -- he showed us tremendous support when Kaitlyn died and he had always been there for Jeremy -- BUT today I felt somewhat sad and disappointed when I left --

We are able to put the tree up in Kaitlyn's memory BUT he does not want a plaque anywhere because "where would they draw the line" he even compared it to the crosses on the side of the road -- at first I said I understood BUT since I have had time to really think about it I have to wonder if Kaitlyn had been a star athelete or an honor student would his stance had been different -- does her life not mean as much because her death was related to drugs --does she not matter ?????? Will other parents "complain" because she used drugs???

My son thinks the reason is not so much the fact that she was not a "star" at school but it is the way she died -- they don't want to draw attention to it because that would be admitting that there is a problem here -- Jeremy's word were -- "until they are ready to deal with the obvious drug problem here more kids are going to die and they will keep pushing it under the rug." Pretty smart kid I have there.

My question to Mr Murrel is -- Is Kaitlyn less of a person because she died of drugs instead of something else -- is her death less tragic -- is her friends grief not real because of the way she died -- do they miss her less ????

I guess I have a decision to make -- let this go and plant the tree or fight for my daughter to be remembered for more than just the way she died................................

Merry Christmas Kaitlyn

2006-12-21T16:08:00.000-06:00

Well here it is Christmas -- not sure how I am going to get through the next couple of days without you here. Kaitlyn I just miss you so much and I just want you back -- that is all I want for Christmas this year -- you think Santa can fit you in his sleigh. This feeling is almost as bad as the first day that I lost you -- it just doesn't seem like it is real -- that you are just going to come in the door --what up ?????? hey girlfriend !!!!! love yu mom -- just one more time I want to hear those words -- Kaitlyn -- I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL :)

Merry Christmas Kaitlyn -- you are missed and you are LOVED--

Memorial for Kaitlyn

2006-12-05T10:59:00.000-06:00

Jon and I would like to do something at the school that Kaitlyn attended as a memorial -- plant a Magnolia Tree. I keep second guessing my self -- will they want her memory to live on at the school -- is she worthy -- In MY mind she is BUT what about other people -- how will they feel -- how would I feel if it was not MY child -- I do know that Kaitlyn LOVED going to school at College Park -- (and that is saying a lot because she HATED school) -- and I know that she felt good about herself there -- the teachers and administration have my undieing gratitude for the way our family has been treated -- they were awesome. This is how ALL schools should be.

Maybe I am being paranoid and this is a non issue -- I just don't know what I will do if they tell me NO -- I don't think they will BUT what if they do -- I just know that I think her memory might save a life when people hear her story they may think twice about their choices and her memory will do something positive--

I am rambling today because my thoughts are ALL over the place -- I really want this to happen for her but at the same time I am scared of the possible outcome -- I will update more when I get the answer from the school.

Let me say her name

2006-12-03T08:40:00.000-06:00

So many times lately I have noticed that uncomfortable look on people's faces when I say Kaitlyn name or talk about her. It makes me wonder -- Have I done that in the past? and if I did OMGosh I am so sorry.

Talking about Kaitlyn, remembering her quirks is all I have left of her. It is all I can do now. While everyone else is talking about what their kids are DOING all I can do is talk about what Kaitlyn has DONE. I have no future to talk about, only memories. So please let me talk about them without feeling like I am making you uncomfortable. Try to put yourself in my place, Kaitlyn is still my daughter and I still want -- no make that NEED to talk about her. She will always be a HUGE part of my life - she is on my mind each and every moment of the day.

So next time you tell a story about one of your kids -- take a moment and think --how would you feel if every time you mentioned your child's name someone tried to change the subject, had a uncomfortable look on their face or just stopped talking to you. What if most people that you come across each day would do this-- how would you feel???

This is my new normal -- it sucks

Memories of Christmas 1976

2006-11-16T10:51:00.000-06:00

I can so relate to my grandmother who lost her son in 1976. My uncle was 42 and he died a couple of weeks before Christmas -- I was 12. My Mamom was the greatest person -- we always went to her house for Christmas eve -- it was so much fun -- but Christmas 1976 was different. She was so sad and really did not want to celebrate. At 12 I just did not understand -- but now I do -- I just cannot imagine what Christmas will be like -- no one gets this pain that a mom feels when they loose a child -- it changes you in a way that you can NEVER recover from.

MaMom -- I get it now -- I understand why you were so sad -- and I understand why you were never the same after Dec 1976. Please keep an eye on Kaitlyn -- I know that you two would have gotten along great.

My Child

2006-11-11T20:49:00.000-06:00

This essay was sent to a email support group that I belong to -- the author has put into words what is in my heart better than I can.

I love you Kaitlyn -- and I am so sorry --

My Child By, Steven Waller

I love you and have always loved you. I have tried to show you by my words and actions this love, but realize I may have fallen short of this goal many times.

To the best of my ability, with the work of my body, the limits of my mind and the strength of my soul, I have tried to give you love, shelter and food. I have tried to give youas much of my time as possible in this hectic, hurried world.

I have tried to give you fun and laughter. I have tried to give you the safety and protection you have a right to and I have an obligation to give. I have tried to let you know about life's unpleasantries without scaring you too much.

I have tried to give you as much trust as possible in an apparently untrusting world.

In all my breaths, my true intention has never been to hurt you or bring you any unnecessary pain. I have tried to be to you the best parent I could with the tools given to me. I want you to know that for any times I have hurt you, disappointed you, or let you down, knowingly or unkowingly, I am sorry.

I am sorry for my shortcomings and the mistakes I made that caused you any pain. For this I ask your forgiveness, only when and if you are willing to give it.Thank you for the pleasures and treasures you have given me, both deserved and not.

There has never been anything you have done that has taken away my unconditional love for you. Always and now, in my eyes, heart and soul, you are to me the most beautiful bud, the lovliest bloom, and the most perfect flower.I have loved you from the day you were born...

I love you with every breath you have taken... I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER

Nine Weeks

2006-10-29T20:48:00.000-06:00

It has been nine weeks since I have spoken to Kaitlyn -- nine weeks since I have seen her -- nine weeks since I have hugged her -- nine weeks since I have not felt like I have a hole in my heart.

I go to bed each night hoping and praying that I will wake up and this will be some crazy ass dream - but each morning I wake up and realize nope not a dream -- it still pretty much sucks.

I just miss her soooo much -- this weekend we should have been going crazy getting ready for the Newcoming dance at College Park - fussing about her dress -- laughing while getting her hair done. Instead I brought a plant to her gravesite --

I just want to hold on to any and all memories of her - I want her friends to NEVER forget her -- I want my family to talk about her -- remember her -- continue to love her - I want the pain to go away -- I just want to return to my old normal.

I sometimes feel like I am respondsible for the pain everyone is feeling -- like it is my fault that Kaitlyn is gone -- not that she died but that she is gone -- like I need to do something to make everyone feel better - irrational I know -- I can't be there for everyone -- I DON'T want to be there for anyone -- I can't fix this -- I can't make it better --

Maybe one day this will be easier -- but nine weeks later -- NOPE still sucks

Tomorrow is the beginning....

2006-10-24T21:12:00.000-05:00

of me fulfilling my promise to you -- I am going to be talking to the parents at the Jr High. I hope I do OK -- I just want to make sure that no one goes through this pain. I know that the Kaitlyn that lived here on earth would think what I am doing is gay and that I should mind my own business -- BUT the Kaitlyn that is living with Jesus is cheering me on.

I want to do you proud baby girl -- I want your life to mean something to more than just family. You brought so much joy and happiness to so many people. Your friends still go to your my space just about everyday. They have come by to see us and I can see the pain in their eyes. I am doing this for them almost as much as for you. I love your friends and I miss the noise -- even though I complained -- I miss the noise -- and the smelly perfume :)

I love you my angel -- always and forever

Jeremy

2006-10-09T15:15:00.000-05:00

I have another child -- Jeremy -- my first born -- the one that made me a mom --

He is so lost without his sister and I am so scared for him - scared that he may never get over this, scared that he too will be taken from me, scared that I will push him away when I am holding on too tight.

I don't know how to fix this for him -- I can't take away the pain that I know he is feeling. I am his mom -- I am supposed to take care of him, protect him, make it all better -- only this time I can't. We are doing this together - Jon Jeremy and me -- our family of four is now three -- I guess it is a new normal for us too.

This is his senior year and he has such plans -- he is ready to spread his wings and fly. I am not ready for him to go yet but I know that it is not fair to hold him back. He has great dreams and I want him to experiance life -- HIS life -- not a life that I wish for him now but the life he wishes for himself. I am trying very hard to make sure that I give him the encouragement and even "permission" to live his life to the fullest. I don't want him to feel like I am putting all of MY hopes and dreams for the future that abruptly changed in a blink of an eye. My wish for him is that he lives the life he WANTS to live and lives it to the fullest.

Jeremy my son -- just give me some time -- I LOVE YOU.

Why Kaitlyn....

2006-10-06T09:46:00.000-05:00

This is a question that I get asked everyday by one of her friends -- why Kaitlyn -- why not someone else --

I always new that I believed in God -- but nothing has tested my faith and confirmed it more than losing my precious Kaitlyn. God had bigger plans for her -- her job here on earth was done.

A couple of days before Kaitlyn died her and I were talking -- I always told her that my biggest fear was coming home to find her dead -- that I would never see her again -- She ALWAYS came back with -- MOM -- God new me before I was born and when I was born he knew when I was going to die. He has it written in a book :) This is what she believed -- and so do I -- I am so thankful that we had this talk --because while the pain is still great -- I am at peace knowing my beautiful Kaitlyn is with God.

A couple of weeks ago I was on message board -- I was having a VERY bad day and one of the responses led me to PSALM 139. Being brought up Catholic I was not familiar with PSALM 139 so I went to look for it.

Here is just a small exerpt:

13 For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. [1]Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,the days that were formed for me,when as yet there were none of them

I got it Kaitlyn -- heard you loud and clear.

Why Kaitlyn -- because it was her time.

Kaitlyn was no angel......

2006-10-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

BUT I am so SICK of hearing all the "bad" things that she did. She was my daughter damn it and I don't care what she did -- I would take her back in a minute just they way she was -- drugs and all -- it just amazes me that her friends and even Jon think I REALLY want to know this -- it won't change anything -- it won't bring her back BUT it does break my heart each and everytime they share something with me -- then I have supposed family members who think they are better because "their" kid is not doing this BULLSHIT -- no one's kid is perfect and I bet if they spend ONE second in my shoes they would be glad to have their precious child back with them EVEN if they are not perfect.

She should be remembered for the GREAT friend she was -- she stood up for the underdog -- she liked you NO MATTER who you were -- IT DID NOT matter to her. She was a beautiful person inside and out -- I want her to be remembered that way -- NOT as some druggie who did not have a better side of her. SO PLEASE STOP - maybe I am in denial right now -- but I cannot handle this right now -- SHE IS MY DAUGHTER AND I WILL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN - so you win -- she is gone -- she will never do another drug again -- BUT she will never laugh. hug me , talk to me again either -- so guess what YOU WIN

Somedays are better than others

2006-09-29T10:15:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up and thought to myself -- OK this is going to be a good day I can feel it. I am not fooling myself -- I know just about anything can send my over the edge -- but so far it has been a good day (good being relative to my new normal).

Poetic Acceptance - for grieving parents: Important Grief and Bereavement Sites

2006-09-28T09:55:00.000-05:00

Poetic Acceptance - for grieving parents: Important Grief and Bereavement Sites

My first post

2006-09-28T09:27:00.000-05:00

August 27, 2006 -- A day that I wish I could do over -- a day that I wish would just be like any other day -- the day that my beautiful 16 year old daughter Kaitlyn died.

I have felt so many emotions since that day -- some I understand -- some take me to my knees in a pain that I cannot begin to explain. She was my world -- my best friend -- my life. I miss her more everyday -- it still does not seem real -- I keep waiting to hear her voice -- but then reality hits and I know that will never happen --

My new normal SUCKS