FORGIVE

I read Ali Edwards blog every day. She has a project where you pick a word for 2009. At first I went through the list she posted and while the words had meaning -- none of them "spoke" to me - they just did not feel right.

Last night we spent NYE with some great friends - we had a wonderful time just laughing and talking to both old and new friends - GREAT TIME.

I always feel sad when the new year begins because it just seems we are getting further away from Kaitlyn -- and last night was not exception - as we were saying goodbye to 2008 and welcoming 2009 the sadness came BUT I also had the inspiration for my focus and word -

FORGIVE

I am hanging on to resentments that I need to let go - I need to forgive these people in my heart for ME - for ME to be able to fully heal my heart.

I am going to work very hard to do this in 2009 - so I can truly honor Kaitlyn in a way that she would be happy - she had a heart of gold and would want me to forgive -especially her friends - I can hear her now "MOTHER you need to let it go" -

that is what I am going to do - let it go and forgive -


Happy New Year to all of you :)

Cheri

Happy Thanksgiving

As we begin our third holiday season without Kaitlyn it stills seems unreal that she is not here with us and all to real at other times -- BUT this year we are looking forward to the holidays, spending time with family and friends and just taking time to enjoy each other because we are aware of how fast that can all change --



One of our traditions was to go see Santa on Thanksgiving weekend. This was from 1995. At that time I felt like I was on top of the world -- I had two healthy great kids, a amazing husband and life was perfect. I had hopes and dreams for my future and never in my wildest thoughts did I imagine my life as it is now. One thing that is certain is that our holidays are never going to be the same -- she is missed by our whole family and no matter what new traditions we start our days are filled with a sadness that will never go away.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful that we were able to have Kaitlyn in our lives for the short amount of time that God graciously allowed. She filled our house with laughter, tears and love. She taught us to look past outward appearences and to see what a person was like on the inside.

From our family to yours -- Happy Thanksgiving

The empty chair

Last week my oldest Jeremy turned 20 -- where did time go -- It seems like yesterday I was a brand new mom with this little baby and then I turn around and he is grown (i know this is cliche but that is what it felt like) We are so lucky that he is our son and are very proud of him -- Jeremy has to deal with a very crazy mom that is constantly worried that something will happen to him and he does it without too much eye rolling --for that I am grateful --

We took Jeremy to dinner for his birthday as is our family tradition -- we went to Cheuy's and sat on the patio as it was a beautiful night. I am not sure why but since Kaitlyn died we have never sat at a table when eating out -- it has always been a booth when the three of us go out to dinner -- never even crossed my mind that we were doing this until last week -- the empty chair was almost too much for me to handle -- I had to work very hard not to start crying in the middle of the restaurant -- that would not have been fair to Jeremy -- it was his night and he deserved it to be about him -- but man it was so difficult -- I spent time thinking about how different the night should have been -- we should have all been together celebrating Jeremy's birthday -- I just wanted to hear them laugh together one more time -- tease each other and even argue - just to see them together -- to have our family complete one last time would have been amazing.

That empty chair was confirmation AGAIN that she is gone -- that our family is just never going to be the same and the time passing is not making it easier - in some ways it is getting harder because I want it to get better but when things like seeing the empty chair bring me to my knees it is like starting all over again in this grief process -- I just want this to even out somehow -- that the waves stop crashing over me when I least expect it -- I just want to stop my heart from hurting so much all the time.

I am not sure how I can make the pain go away but I do know that I will not be sitting at a table for a long time - I can't handle the empty chair right now

Remembering Kaitlyn

Not much to say today -- Jon, Jeremy and I are just going to try to make it through today as best we can - I hope this brings a smile to your face

We love you Kaitlyn and not a day goes by that you are not missed

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Kaitlyn and Wesley

Memorial Day 2005 brought a special person into our lives -- Wesley Dunchoff -- we met Wesley at our friend's The Woodward's -- He is from Dothan AL and was in Houston at MD Anderson for Cancer treatment. Kaitlyn and Jeremy formed a very special bound with Wesley -- they would go up to the hospital weekly to spend time with him and talked with him on the phone daily.



Wesley was a very special person who had more faith than anyone I have ever known. He touched Jeremy and Kaitlyn in a way that I have never seen. They loved Wesley and considered him a true friend.


One of the last things that Kaitlyn wrote was an essay at school titled "My Hero" -- she wrote about Wesley. I have not shared this essay with his mom yet because we when lost Kaitlyn on Aug 27 she was dealing with the one year anniversary of Wesley passing away. This was not the time -- I will share the essay later this week on my blog -- I am sending it to Angie to let her know what a special person her son was to my daughter.





This Tuesday and Wednesday please remember Wesley and Kaitlyn -- we lost two very special people the last week of August 2005 and 2006 and it gives me peace to know that they are together in Heaven with Jesus --

Hope

I have a friend that I met on 2Peas and she is going through crap with her daughter -- her daughter ran away and was gone for three weeks. Mom was frantic with worry and thankfully daughter returned safe -- they have a long road ahead of them but for now her daughter is safe. Hugs to you both and know that we are here for you.

This got me thinking -- and wondering -- would it be better to not know where Kaitlyn was and have the hope that she may walk in the door OR have the knowledge of where she is and know that I will never see her again (well until I get to Heaven)

This is what my friend wrote to me about her feelings:

"The hope of seeing her again really WAS the only thing that kept me going most of the time.. take that away and well I don't know how you go on. "

I don't have anything to compare the two feelings too because Kaitlyn never went missing so I guess it is easy for me to say that I would change places with them because I wish so desperately that I still had the HOPE that she will maybe one day walk through the door again.

While I empathize with families that have loved ones missing I can't help but be jealous of the HOPE that they still have. I am sure that they are hurting and missing their loved ones and while I wish I could say that I understand -- I don't because I would LOVE to change places with them (I think).

Dreams of Kaitlyn

For the past couple of nights I have been having dreams of Kaitlyn -- it has been in the same setting -- a summer camp. She was SO happy. She was swimming, hanging with her friends (it is funny because the only ones I recognized were Wesley and Stephen Cage but there were lots of kids there) -- they were just having a great time. She would talk to me but it was always from across the "park". She told me that she knew we wanted her home but that they were VERY HAPPY there and that we should be happy for them. She would then go with her friends and turn and wave goodbye -- I would wake up at that moment,

Then last night something changed She came to me and I was able to hug her -- really hug her -- I swear I smelled her perfume and I FELT her in my arms - it was so amazing. She whispered in my ear that she loved me and that I would be OK. I didn't want to let go but she told me I had to let her go -- she walked across the park turned and waved goodbye -- then I woke up.

It was so hard to wake up and realize that this was a dream -- IT WAS SO REAL.

I want this to stop -- I want to wake up and realize that the dream is that she died -- that she is still here -- is that really too much to ask????

My new normal still sucks