FORGIVE

I read Ali Edwards blog every day. She has a project where you pick a word for 2009. At first I went through the list she posted and while the words had meaning -- none of them "spoke" to me - they just did not feel right.

Last night we spent NYE with some great friends - we had a wonderful time just laughing and talking to both old and new friends - GREAT TIME.

I always feel sad when the new year begins because it just seems we are getting further away from Kaitlyn -- and last night was not exception - as we were saying goodbye to 2008 and welcoming 2009 the sadness came BUT I also had the inspiration for my focus and word -

FORGIVE

I am hanging on to resentments that I need to let go - I need to forgive these people in my heart for ME - for ME to be able to fully heal my heart.

I am going to work very hard to do this in 2009 - so I can truly honor Kaitlyn in a way that she would be happy - she had a heart of gold and would want me to forgive -especially her friends - I can hear her now "MOTHER you need to let it go" -

that is what I am going to do - let it go and forgive -


Happy New Year to all of you :)

Cheri

Happy Thanksgiving

As we begin our third holiday season without Kaitlyn it stills seems unreal that she is not here with us and all to real at other times -- BUT this year we are looking forward to the holidays, spending time with family and friends and just taking time to enjoy each other because we are aware of how fast that can all change --



One of our traditions was to go see Santa on Thanksgiving weekend. This was from 1995. At that time I felt like I was on top of the world -- I had two healthy great kids, a amazing husband and life was perfect. I had hopes and dreams for my future and never in my wildest thoughts did I imagine my life as it is now. One thing that is certain is that our holidays are never going to be the same -- she is missed by our whole family and no matter what new traditions we start our days are filled with a sadness that will never go away.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful that we were able to have Kaitlyn in our lives for the short amount of time that God graciously allowed. She filled our house with laughter, tears and love. She taught us to look past outward appearences and to see what a person was like on the inside.

From our family to yours -- Happy Thanksgiving

The empty chair

Last week my oldest Jeremy turned 20 -- where did time go -- It seems like yesterday I was a brand new mom with this little baby and then I turn around and he is grown (i know this is cliche but that is what it felt like) We are so lucky that he is our son and are very proud of him -- Jeremy has to deal with a very crazy mom that is constantly worried that something will happen to him and he does it without too much eye rolling --for that I am grateful --

We took Jeremy to dinner for his birthday as is our family tradition -- we went to Cheuy's and sat on the patio as it was a beautiful night. I am not sure why but since Kaitlyn died we have never sat at a table when eating out -- it has always been a booth when the three of us go out to dinner -- never even crossed my mind that we were doing this until last week -- the empty chair was almost too much for me to handle -- I had to work very hard not to start crying in the middle of the restaurant -- that would not have been fair to Jeremy -- it was his night and he deserved it to be about him -- but man it was so difficult -- I spent time thinking about how different the night should have been -- we should have all been together celebrating Jeremy's birthday -- I just wanted to hear them laugh together one more time -- tease each other and even argue - just to see them together -- to have our family complete one last time would have been amazing.

That empty chair was confirmation AGAIN that she is gone -- that our family is just never going to be the same and the time passing is not making it easier - in some ways it is getting harder because I want it to get better but when things like seeing the empty chair bring me to my knees it is like starting all over again in this grief process -- I just want this to even out somehow -- that the waves stop crashing over me when I least expect it -- I just want to stop my heart from hurting so much all the time.

I am not sure how I can make the pain go away but I do know that I will not be sitting at a table for a long time - I can't handle the empty chair right now

Remembering Kaitlyn

Not much to say today -- Jon, Jeremy and I are just going to try to make it through today as best we can - I hope this brings a smile to your face

We love you Kaitlyn and not a day goes by that you are not missed

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Kaitlyn and Wesley

Memorial Day 2005 brought a special person into our lives -- Wesley Dunchoff -- we met Wesley at our friend's The Woodward's -- He is from Dothan AL and was in Houston at MD Anderson for Cancer treatment. Kaitlyn and Jeremy formed a very special bound with Wesley -- they would go up to the hospital weekly to spend time with him and talked with him on the phone daily.



Wesley was a very special person who had more faith than anyone I have ever known. He touched Jeremy and Kaitlyn in a way that I have never seen. They loved Wesley and considered him a true friend.


One of the last things that Kaitlyn wrote was an essay at school titled "My Hero" -- she wrote about Wesley. I have not shared this essay with his mom yet because we when lost Kaitlyn on Aug 27 she was dealing with the one year anniversary of Wesley passing away. This was not the time -- I will share the essay later this week on my blog -- I am sending it to Angie to let her know what a special person her son was to my daughter.





This Tuesday and Wednesday please remember Wesley and Kaitlyn -- we lost two very special people the last week of August 2005 and 2006 and it gives me peace to know that they are together in Heaven with Jesus --

Hope

I have a friend that I met on 2Peas and she is going through crap with her daughter -- her daughter ran away and was gone for three weeks. Mom was frantic with worry and thankfully daughter returned safe -- they have a long road ahead of them but for now her daughter is safe. Hugs to you both and know that we are here for you.

This got me thinking -- and wondering -- would it be better to not know where Kaitlyn was and have the hope that she may walk in the door OR have the knowledge of where she is and know that I will never see her again (well until I get to Heaven)

This is what my friend wrote to me about her feelings:

"The hope of seeing her again really WAS the only thing that kept me going most of the time.. take that away and well I don't know how you go on. "

I don't have anything to compare the two feelings too because Kaitlyn never went missing so I guess it is easy for me to say that I would change places with them because I wish so desperately that I still had the HOPE that she will maybe one day walk through the door again.

While I empathize with families that have loved ones missing I can't help but be jealous of the HOPE that they still have. I am sure that they are hurting and missing their loved ones and while I wish I could say that I understand -- I don't because I would LOVE to change places with them (I think).

Dreams of Kaitlyn

For the past couple of nights I have been having dreams of Kaitlyn -- it has been in the same setting -- a summer camp. She was SO happy. She was swimming, hanging with her friends (it is funny because the only ones I recognized were Wesley and Stephen Cage but there were lots of kids there) -- they were just having a great time. She would talk to me but it was always from across the "park". She told me that she knew we wanted her home but that they were VERY HAPPY there and that we should be happy for them. She would then go with her friends and turn and wave goodbye -- I would wake up at that moment,

Then last night something changed She came to me and I was able to hug her -- really hug her -- I swear I smelled her perfume and I FELT her in my arms - it was so amazing. She whispered in my ear that she loved me and that I would be OK. I didn't want to let go but she told me I had to let her go -- she walked across the park turned and waved goodbye -- then I woke up.

It was so hard to wake up and realize that this was a dream -- IT WAS SO REAL.

I want this to stop -- I want to wake up and realize that the dream is that she died -- that she is still here -- is that really too much to ask????

My new normal still sucks

Another Huffing Victim

I just read about another younger person that is in the hospital from huffing -- She is 13 years old and unconscious. WHEN is this going to stop -- WHAT can I do to make it stop -- it is just so frustrating to hear about these senseless deaths -- I am tired of the pain in my heart from not having Kaitlyn here.

I have a renewed fire in my soul to DO SOMETHING -- I am just not sure what yet -- do I reach out to the manufacturers of this crap and try to work with them to get more awareness out to the kids -- I am thinking this may be the way to go with it -- maybe if they get behind a PSA campaign it will reach more people then what I am doing and I will not have to read about another family dealing with this.

URGHHH I am just so frustrated right now --

Memories

For the longest time I have been having a hard time remembering the little things about Kaitlyn and it really was getting to me -- I mean it hasn't even been two years and it seemed like I couldn't remember her anymore.

For the past couple of days I have been having random memories coming back to me -- like the way she used to say squirral and yellow, how she LOVED to go fishing, what a talented artist she was. I have bought a small notebook that I keep with me at all times so that when I do get a random memory I can right it down.

This sudden burst of memories got me to thinking -- is my brain ready for me to deal with the fact that this is all I have left of Kaitlyn -- memories. Am I ready to deal with the reality that is now my life -- I am not sure if I am but I am glad to get the memories.

On the memories thread -- I went to CKU last weekend -- I was very excited to go because I was taking the album track with Margie. I just love her style. It was awesome to get to meet her in person -- she is so funny and just so down to earth. It was a great day. I also took a mini class with Tim Holtz. Anyone that knows me knows that I am anal about things being perfect -- WELL I had to let that go in his class and let me tell you it was WONDERFUL. It is OK not to be perfect --

This lesson goes so much deeper than scrapbooking for me -- once I got it I was in tears -- It is OK that I was not the perfect mom to my kids and more importantly is OK that they are not "perfect" in the eyes of the world -- BUT to me there are not two more PERFECT children in the world.

OH one more thing -- I developed a serious crush on Tim -- he is just the sweetest and cutest man in the world -- AND he has all this cool stuff that I am just loving to use now -- I am trying to figure out a way to get him here for the next Kaitlyn's Crop :)

Cheri

18

In 2 days it will be 18 months since we lost Kaitlyn -- this month she would have turned 18 years old -- why does it feel like the 18 years flew by and the 18 months have been forever????

This weekend I went away to a scrap retreat with a great group of friends (both old and new) -- these ladies are crazy scrappers that never sleep while we are there -- it just boggles my mind that they are able to do this and still function -- me I need my sleep :) anyway ........ one of my closest friends who has been with my through ALL of the ups and downs with Kaitlyn was there with me -- her daughter is the same age as Kaitlyn so she is in the middle of all the Senior Year craziness and fun -- We were looking at the sneak peek of L's senior pictures and man it felt like I had been kicked in the stomach -- not that I was not wanting to see the pictures but realizing that I will not have that with Kaitlyn -- I had to leave the room so that I would not break down in front of all the ladies --

There is a reason for the long post -- I want ya'll to realize that it is OK to talk to me about what is going on with your kids -- I WANT to hear about it -- but also realize that I may have to step away for a bit at times to catch my breath or break down and cry - but it is not because of something that was said -- it is because that it just how it is for me now -- the pain and sadness does not go away because I don't hear the stories -- it is with me always -- BUT I am sad to know that I am missing out on the happiness and fun time that ya'll are experiancing. So PLEASE talk to me -- tell me what is going on -- and know that it is OK for me to cry or laugh or just walk away if I have to -- as weird as it sounds I need to do these things because it confirms that my love for Kaitlyn is still as strong as it was the day she was born and the day that we lost her. As her mom I need to know that these feelings are still in my heart.

I was telling Jon about what happened this weekend and he remineded me that this is how we are able to continue to live our lives, have happiness and even joy when the most horrible thing in the world for a parent has happened -- we are able to FEEL our love for Kaitlyn and this release allows us to continue living when many times we just want to stay in home and not face the reality that is now our lives.

For us our tears are not tears of sadness -- they are tears filled with LOVE.

Happy Birthday Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn would have been 18 last Thursday -- this is the day she looked forward to more than any that I can remember -- she wanted to be 18 so very bad -- to her it meant freedom -- to me it meant my baby was one step closer to becoming an adult -- she never did get to be 18 but I think she has the ultimate freedom now --

That day was extremely hard for Jon and I -- both of us had a very hard time that day -- which is weird because that has never happened before - usually one of us is there for the other one but Thursday was the hardest day for both of us since we lost Kaitlyn -- and since it has been so long no one thought to call us to see how we were doing -- so we had to rely on each other to get through the day -- it made us both realize that no matter what happens we WILL be there for each other and together we will make it through the bad day for the rest of our lives.





Kaitlyn's friends are all turning 18 this year too and many of them are getting tattoos as a remememberance of Kaitlyn -- Here is her friend Kelly's tattoo and why Kelly got the tattoo.

Ever since i met kaitlyn she has always loved butterflys. probabley because they are so beautiful and harmless just like her. Everyone could see no matter how much kait tried to seem tough, deep down she has such a big heart, she will do anything for you because she would never want to see her friends sad. A butterfly really symbolizes her, nothin else could be more perfect then gettin a butterly for her, but to show it is just for her i made the body of the butterfly a cross. and when i have the guts i will get it finished and put RIP kaitlyn over it like in a rainbow shape over the tattoo. im glad im one of the first people to get a tattoo for her because now all her friends wants to show how much they care. i got the tattoo as soon as i could and would have gotten it the day you left us but i had to wait till i turned 18 and i got it that day! i didnt wait another minute! i never want to forget kaitlyn and i feel like seeing this tattoo will always remind me. i think about her everyday since i see my tattoo in the mirror everyday, sometimes it makes me cry but other times it makes me so happy because i look at the bright side and see how much shes changed so many peoples lives. and it makes me so happy to know it will be there forever. :) just like she wil be in my heart forever. i will never find another friend like her but im so honered that i at least had her in my life for as long as i did. i love you and miss you terribly kait. keep watchin over us.





Cheri

If only....................

IF ONLY has been driving me crazy lately --

If only...
we had paid more attention to the signs that Kaitlyn was using again -- maybe she would still be here

If only ....
I had not gone away that fateful weekend -- maybe I would have tested her sooner and she would still be here

If only....
we had never moved to Texas and stayed in Louisiana -- she may not have ever started using drugs in the first place and she would still be here

If only.....
she had not decided she needed to get high one more time -- she would still be here.

IF ONLY - I could go back to Aug 26, 2006 and know what I know now she would still be here

If only I could make my heart stop hurting so bad that sometimes I really feel like I will not be able to get through the day -- but I do because I have to.

If only Kaitlyn was here today getting ready to head to Louisana to spend time with family for Thanksgiving --

If only does not come around a lot thank goodness because when it does it drives me crazy --

We are beginning our second holiday season with out Kaitlyn and I wish I could say it is better this year but it is not because now we are expected to be better -- we have gone through the "first" of everythings but I think this one is harder for both Jon and I because we don't have the shock factor anymore -- it hits us smack in the face -- she is not here -- and we think IF ONLY...

We love you Kaitlyn

Thank You

We went to Compassionate Friends on Tuesday night and the "theme" for the night was how people act different around you once you have lost a child -- it got me thinking about my friends.

I just wanted to say Thank You to all of you for letting me talk about Kaitlyn ALL the time and not rolling your eyes or asking me when I was going to get on with my life. Thank you for letting me cry when I need to even though "it is been over a year". Thank you for still being my friend and including me even though "it is hard to know what to say to me now" Thank you for going through this WITH me and not just watching from the sidelines --

All of the statements in quotes were things that were told to other parents at the meeting and it just blew me away that their friends and even some of their family said these things to them. It made Jon and I realize that we are truely blessed to have the support of awesome people in our lifes that have made this past year OK for us.

So to all of our friends and family --THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts for letting us continue to grieve our baby girl and being there when we so desperately needed you.

Cheri

Heros

Last week I had a long time co-worker leave our company -- before he left he sent out the customary good bye email to everyone and he called me "a hero in our midst".

That comment made me cry and got me to thinking -- I don't consider myself a hero -- I don't consider myself strong either --

I am just a mom who is doing what she can to make sure her daughter is remembered for the wonderful person she was -- and to make sure that people understand that this is in our back yards -- it is not somewhere else or happening to other people -- it is effecting families that we know, people we go to church with, your next door neighbor.

I am just a mom that does not want to see teens waste their lives for a few minutes of getting high, I am just a mom that does not want to meet another mom that knows exactly how I feel -- that gets the looks when we tell them how our children died. I am just a mom that is doing this because it is all I have left to do for Kaitlyn.

I am just a mom who cries everyday for what could have been and for what is -- many days I just don't want to get out of bed --

So no I am not a hero -- I am just a mom who is loves BOTH of her kids with all of my heart.

Memories of Kaitlyn

Click to play Make your own Smilebox

My friend Kedra shared the site Smilebox with us last night at our crop -- this is what I came up with this morning. I thought I would share some memories of Kaitlyn.

Unknown Sender

******UPDATE******

I have been getting blank emails from "unknown sender" since the day after Kaitlyn died. I had never gotten them before then. Now some people my say that I am crazy, need to let go, poor thing she is not dealing with her loss _BUT I truely believe in my heart that these are from Kaitlyn. She LOVED the computer so what better way for her to reach out then through emails. Some days I get one or two everyday -- sometimes it is many days before I get one -- but usually all I have to say is 'Baby Girl I need to here from you" and one shows up in my in box the next day.

It has been awhile since I got my email and I have been busy helping Jeremy get ready for his big move to Baton Rouge this weekend so I haven't really noticed the lack of email -- today for some reason I am needing to "hear" from her -- so "Baby Girl -- I need to hear from you" -- hopefully she is listening and I wake up tomorrow with an email from unknown sender -- or what I like to call "Hi MOM !!!"

Message from Kaitlyn

We are coming up to nine months without Kaitlyn -- some days it seems like forever and some days is seems like yesterday. I have been asking her to let me know that she is around a lot lately. I didn't think she was listening to me.


We are moving out of offices this week and we are in the middle of cleaning up seven years of stuff -- while going through one of my old message pads I came across this priceless message:










I LOVE YOU too Kaitlyn -- I just miss her so much.

Removing Her Computer

I have been trying to organize our office for a couple of months. I have been doing a little every night for the past week. Tonight I took down Kaitlyn's computer -- I never thought that something so simple would be so hard -- I have been crying the whole time I have been moving it -- it makes it seem so real (like her not being here for the past 8 months hasn't been real) -- this is the first thing of hers that we do something with -- I cannot begin to think what it will be like when I go through her room. I miss her so much that I cannot even begin to descibe the ache in my heart. I just want to wake up from this awful nightmare.

When I look over in the corner where her computer used to be it just looks so empty -- just like I feel.


I love you Kaitlyn

Smile for Today

Here is our newest family member *PEANUT*

Thanks Aunt Dee Dee

Missing Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn had a love of life that was contagious -- she had fun where ever she went (sometimes a little too much fun) -- I miss her goofiness so much -- I would do anything to deal with her craziness -- her loudness -- HER just one more time -- will this pain EVER go away.

Jeremy misses her so much too and is hurting but does not know how to express his feelings -- so many times it comes out in other ways -- Impatient when things are not going his way, moodiness more than normal, easy to anger, and just plain sadness. Everyone has gone on with their lives -- expecting Jon, Jeremy and me to do the same -- it is not happening -- everyday we are reminded that our lives are NEVER going to be the same. What so many people take for granted we don't anymore. We are scared to get close to people because we know how much it hurts when it is gone. We treasure important people in our lives and don't let "little stuff" get in the way because we know that whatever happens NOTHING is as bad as what we have gone through already. At the same time we have an "I don't care" attitude that many people just don't get -- our whole way of living has forever changed us -- little things don't bother us anymore -- we don't sweat the small stuff -- I just wish there was a way to make people understand -- we are not the same people we were August 26, 2006 -- those people are gone -- the ones that took their place are fragile -- we are still trying to become whole again -- We don't expect people to walk on eggshells BUT we do hope that they would try to understand that a HUGE part of our heart is forever gone -- we are incomplete -- not sure when we will be whole again --