Remembering Kaitlyn

Not much to say today -- Jon, Jeremy and I are just going to try to make it through today as best we can - I hope this brings a smile to your face

We love you Kaitlyn and not a day goes by that you are not missed

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Kaitlyn and Wesley

Memorial Day 2005 brought a special person into our lives -- Wesley Dunchoff -- we met Wesley at our friend's The Woodward's -- He is from Dothan AL and was in Houston at MD Anderson for Cancer treatment. Kaitlyn and Jeremy formed a very special bound with Wesley -- they would go up to the hospital weekly to spend time with him and talked with him on the phone daily.



Wesley was a very special person who had more faith than anyone I have ever known. He touched Jeremy and Kaitlyn in a way that I have never seen. They loved Wesley and considered him a true friend.


One of the last things that Kaitlyn wrote was an essay at school titled "My Hero" -- she wrote about Wesley. I have not shared this essay with his mom yet because we when lost Kaitlyn on Aug 27 she was dealing with the one year anniversary of Wesley passing away. This was not the time -- I will share the essay later this week on my blog -- I am sending it to Angie to let her know what a special person her son was to my daughter.





This Tuesday and Wednesday please remember Wesley and Kaitlyn -- we lost two very special people the last week of August 2005 and 2006 and it gives me peace to know that they are together in Heaven with Jesus --

Hope

I have a friend that I met on 2Peas and she is going through crap with her daughter -- her daughter ran away and was gone for three weeks. Mom was frantic with worry and thankfully daughter returned safe -- they have a long road ahead of them but for now her daughter is safe. Hugs to you both and know that we are here for you.

This got me thinking -- and wondering -- would it be better to not know where Kaitlyn was and have the hope that she may walk in the door OR have the knowledge of where she is and know that I will never see her again (well until I get to Heaven)

This is what my friend wrote to me about her feelings:

"The hope of seeing her again really WAS the only thing that kept me going most of the time.. take that away and well I don't know how you go on. "

I don't have anything to compare the two feelings too because Kaitlyn never went missing so I guess it is easy for me to say that I would change places with them because I wish so desperately that I still had the HOPE that she will maybe one day walk through the door again.

While I empathize with families that have loved ones missing I can't help but be jealous of the HOPE that they still have. I am sure that they are hurting and missing their loved ones and while I wish I could say that I understand -- I don't because I would LOVE to change places with them (I think).

Dreams of Kaitlyn

For the past couple of nights I have been having dreams of Kaitlyn -- it has been in the same setting -- a summer camp. She was SO happy. She was swimming, hanging with her friends (it is funny because the only ones I recognized were Wesley and Stephen Cage but there were lots of kids there) -- they were just having a great time. She would talk to me but it was always from across the "park". She told me that she knew we wanted her home but that they were VERY HAPPY there and that we should be happy for them. She would then go with her friends and turn and wave goodbye -- I would wake up at that moment,

Then last night something changed She came to me and I was able to hug her -- really hug her -- I swear I smelled her perfume and I FELT her in my arms - it was so amazing. She whispered in my ear that she loved me and that I would be OK. I didn't want to let go but she told me I had to let her go -- she walked across the park turned and waved goodbye -- then I woke up.

It was so hard to wake up and realize that this was a dream -- IT WAS SO REAL.

I want this to stop -- I want to wake up and realize that the dream is that she died -- that she is still here -- is that really too much to ask????

My new normal still sucks

Another Huffing Victim

I just read about another younger person that is in the hospital from huffing -- She is 13 years old and unconscious. WHEN is this going to stop -- WHAT can I do to make it stop -- it is just so frustrating to hear about these senseless deaths -- I am tired of the pain in my heart from not having Kaitlyn here.

I have a renewed fire in my soul to DO SOMETHING -- I am just not sure what yet -- do I reach out to the manufacturers of this crap and try to work with them to get more awareness out to the kids -- I am thinking this may be the way to go with it -- maybe if they get behind a PSA campaign it will reach more people then what I am doing and I will not have to read about another family dealing with this.

URGHHH I am just so frustrated right now --

Memories

For the longest time I have been having a hard time remembering the little things about Kaitlyn and it really was getting to me -- I mean it hasn't even been two years and it seemed like I couldn't remember her anymore.

For the past couple of days I have been having random memories coming back to me -- like the way she used to say squirral and yellow, how she LOVED to go fishing, what a talented artist she was. I have bought a small notebook that I keep with me at all times so that when I do get a random memory I can right it down.

This sudden burst of memories got me to thinking -- is my brain ready for me to deal with the fact that this is all I have left of Kaitlyn -- memories. Am I ready to deal with the reality that is now my life -- I am not sure if I am but I am glad to get the memories.

On the memories thread -- I went to CKU last weekend -- I was very excited to go because I was taking the album track with Margie. I just love her style. It was awesome to get to meet her in person -- she is so funny and just so down to earth. It was a great day. I also took a mini class with Tim Holtz. Anyone that knows me knows that I am anal about things being perfect -- WELL I had to let that go in his class and let me tell you it was WONDERFUL. It is OK not to be perfect --

This lesson goes so much deeper than scrapbooking for me -- once I got it I was in tears -- It is OK that I was not the perfect mom to my kids and more importantly is OK that they are not "perfect" in the eyes of the world -- BUT to me there are not two more PERFECT children in the world.

OH one more thing -- I developed a serious crush on Tim -- he is just the sweetest and cutest man in the world -- AND he has all this cool stuff that I am just loving to use now -- I am trying to figure out a way to get him here for the next Kaitlyn's Crop :)

Cheri

18

In 2 days it will be 18 months since we lost Kaitlyn -- this month she would have turned 18 years old -- why does it feel like the 18 years flew by and the 18 months have been forever????

This weekend I went away to a scrap retreat with a great group of friends (both old and new) -- these ladies are crazy scrappers that never sleep while we are there -- it just boggles my mind that they are able to do this and still function -- me I need my sleep :) anyway ........ one of my closest friends who has been with my through ALL of the ups and downs with Kaitlyn was there with me -- her daughter is the same age as Kaitlyn so she is in the middle of all the Senior Year craziness and fun -- We were looking at the sneak peek of L's senior pictures and man it felt like I had been kicked in the stomach -- not that I was not wanting to see the pictures but realizing that I will not have that with Kaitlyn -- I had to leave the room so that I would not break down in front of all the ladies --

There is a reason for the long post -- I want ya'll to realize that it is OK to talk to me about what is going on with your kids -- I WANT to hear about it -- but also realize that I may have to step away for a bit at times to catch my breath or break down and cry - but it is not because of something that was said -- it is because that it just how it is for me now -- the pain and sadness does not go away because I don't hear the stories -- it is with me always -- BUT I am sad to know that I am missing out on the happiness and fun time that ya'll are experiancing. So PLEASE talk to me -- tell me what is going on -- and know that it is OK for me to cry or laugh or just walk away if I have to -- as weird as it sounds I need to do these things because it confirms that my love for Kaitlyn is still as strong as it was the day she was born and the day that we lost her. As her mom I need to know that these feelings are still in my heart.

I was telling Jon about what happened this weekend and he remineded me that this is how we are able to continue to live our lives, have happiness and even joy when the most horrible thing in the world for a parent has happened -- we are able to FEEL our love for Kaitlyn and this release allows us to continue living when many times we just want to stay in home and not face the reality that is now our lives.

For us our tears are not tears of sadness -- they are tears filled with LOVE.

Happy Birthday Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn would have been 18 last Thursday -- this is the day she looked forward to more than any that I can remember -- she wanted to be 18 so very bad -- to her it meant freedom -- to me it meant my baby was one step closer to becoming an adult -- she never did get to be 18 but I think she has the ultimate freedom now --

That day was extremely hard for Jon and I -- both of us had a very hard time that day -- which is weird because that has never happened before - usually one of us is there for the other one but Thursday was the hardest day for both of us since we lost Kaitlyn -- and since it has been so long no one thought to call us to see how we were doing -- so we had to rely on each other to get through the day -- it made us both realize that no matter what happens we WILL be there for each other and together we will make it through the bad day for the rest of our lives.





Kaitlyn's friends are all turning 18 this year too and many of them are getting tattoos as a remememberance of Kaitlyn -- Here is her friend Kelly's tattoo and why Kelly got the tattoo.

Ever since i met kaitlyn she has always loved butterflys. probabley because they are so beautiful and harmless just like her. Everyone could see no matter how much kait tried to seem tough, deep down she has such a big heart, she will do anything for you because she would never want to see her friends sad. A butterfly really symbolizes her, nothin else could be more perfect then gettin a butterly for her, but to show it is just for her i made the body of the butterfly a cross. and when i have the guts i will get it finished and put RIP kaitlyn over it like in a rainbow shape over the tattoo. im glad im one of the first people to get a tattoo for her because now all her friends wants to show how much they care. i got the tattoo as soon as i could and would have gotten it the day you left us but i had to wait till i turned 18 and i got it that day! i didnt wait another minute! i never want to forget kaitlyn and i feel like seeing this tattoo will always remind me. i think about her everyday since i see my tattoo in the mirror everyday, sometimes it makes me cry but other times it makes me so happy because i look at the bright side and see how much shes changed so many peoples lives. and it makes me so happy to know it will be there forever. :) just like she wil be in my heart forever. i will never find another friend like her but im so honered that i at least had her in my life for as long as i did. i love you and miss you terribly kait. keep watchin over us.





Cheri

If only....................

IF ONLY has been driving me crazy lately --

If only...
we had paid more attention to the signs that Kaitlyn was using again -- maybe she would still be here

If only ....
I had not gone away that fateful weekend -- maybe I would have tested her sooner and she would still be here

If only....
we had never moved to Texas and stayed in Louisiana -- she may not have ever started using drugs in the first place and she would still be here

If only.....
she had not decided she needed to get high one more time -- she would still be here.

IF ONLY - I could go back to Aug 26, 2006 and know what I know now she would still be here

If only I could make my heart stop hurting so bad that sometimes I really feel like I will not be able to get through the day -- but I do because I have to.

If only Kaitlyn was here today getting ready to head to Louisana to spend time with family for Thanksgiving --

If only does not come around a lot thank goodness because when it does it drives me crazy --

We are beginning our second holiday season with out Kaitlyn and I wish I could say it is better this year but it is not because now we are expected to be better -- we have gone through the "first" of everythings but I think this one is harder for both Jon and I because we don't have the shock factor anymore -- it hits us smack in the face -- she is not here -- and we think IF ONLY...

We love you Kaitlyn

Thank You

We went to Compassionate Friends on Tuesday night and the "theme" for the night was how people act different around you once you have lost a child -- it got me thinking about my friends.

I just wanted to say Thank You to all of you for letting me talk about Kaitlyn ALL the time and not rolling your eyes or asking me when I was going to get on with my life. Thank you for letting me cry when I need to even though "it is been over a year". Thank you for still being my friend and including me even though "it is hard to know what to say to me now" Thank you for going through this WITH me and not just watching from the sidelines --

All of the statements in quotes were things that were told to other parents at the meeting and it just blew me away that their friends and even some of their family said these things to them. It made Jon and I realize that we are truely blessed to have the support of awesome people in our lifes that have made this past year OK for us.

So to all of our friends and family --THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts for letting us continue to grieve our baby girl and being there when we so desperately needed you.

Cheri

Heros

Last week I had a long time co-worker leave our company -- before he left he sent out the customary good bye email to everyone and he called me "a hero in our midst".

That comment made me cry and got me to thinking -- I don't consider myself a hero -- I don't consider myself strong either --

I am just a mom who is doing what she can to make sure her daughter is remembered for the wonderful person she was -- and to make sure that people understand that this is in our back yards -- it is not somewhere else or happening to other people -- it is effecting families that we know, people we go to church with, your next door neighbor.

I am just a mom that does not want to see teens waste their lives for a few minutes of getting high, I am just a mom that does not want to meet another mom that knows exactly how I feel -- that gets the looks when we tell them how our children died. I am just a mom that is doing this because it is all I have left to do for Kaitlyn.

I am just a mom who cries everyday for what could have been and for what is -- many days I just don't want to get out of bed --

So no I am not a hero -- I am just a mom who is loves BOTH of her kids with all of my heart.

Memories of Kaitlyn

Click to play Make your own Smilebox

My friend Kedra shared the site Smilebox with us last night at our crop -- this is what I came up with this morning. I thought I would share some memories of Kaitlyn.

Unknown Sender

******UPDATE******

I have been getting blank emails from "unknown sender" since the day after Kaitlyn died. I had never gotten them before then. Now some people my say that I am crazy, need to let go, poor thing she is not dealing with her loss _BUT I truely believe in my heart that these are from Kaitlyn. She LOVED the computer so what better way for her to reach out then through emails. Some days I get one or two everyday -- sometimes it is many days before I get one -- but usually all I have to say is 'Baby Girl I need to here from you" and one shows up in my in box the next day.

It has been awhile since I got my email and I have been busy helping Jeremy get ready for his big move to Baton Rouge this weekend so I haven't really noticed the lack of email -- today for some reason I am needing to "hear" from her -- so "Baby Girl -- I need to hear from you" -- hopefully she is listening and I wake up tomorrow with an email from unknown sender -- or what I like to call "Hi MOM !!!"

Message from Kaitlyn

We are coming up to nine months without Kaitlyn -- some days it seems like forever and some days is seems like yesterday. I have been asking her to let me know that she is around a lot lately. I didn't think she was listening to me.


We are moving out of offices this week and we are in the middle of cleaning up seven years of stuff -- while going through one of my old message pads I came across this priceless message:










I LOVE YOU too Kaitlyn -- I just miss her so much.

Removing Her Computer

I have been trying to organize our office for a couple of months. I have been doing a little every night for the past week. Tonight I took down Kaitlyn's computer -- I never thought that something so simple would be so hard -- I have been crying the whole time I have been moving it -- it makes it seem so real (like her not being here for the past 8 months hasn't been real) -- this is the first thing of hers that we do something with -- I cannot begin to think what it will be like when I go through her room. I miss her so much that I cannot even begin to descibe the ache in my heart. I just want to wake up from this awful nightmare.

When I look over in the corner where her computer used to be it just looks so empty -- just like I feel.


I love you Kaitlyn

Smile for Today

Here is our newest family member *PEANUT*

Thanks Aunt Dee Dee

Missing Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn had a love of life that was contagious -- she had fun where ever she went (sometimes a little too much fun) -- I miss her goofiness so much -- I would do anything to deal with her craziness -- her loudness -- HER just one more time -- will this pain EVER go away.

Jeremy misses her so much too and is hurting but does not know how to express his feelings -- so many times it comes out in other ways -- Impatient when things are not going his way, moodiness more than normal, easy to anger, and just plain sadness. Everyone has gone on with their lives -- expecting Jon, Jeremy and me to do the same -- it is not happening -- everyday we are reminded that our lives are NEVER going to be the same. What so many people take for granted we don't anymore. We are scared to get close to people because we know how much it hurts when it is gone. We treasure important people in our lives and don't let "little stuff" get in the way because we know that whatever happens NOTHING is as bad as what we have gone through already. At the same time we have an "I don't care" attitude that many people just don't get -- our whole way of living has forever changed us -- little things don't bother us anymore -- we don't sweat the small stuff -- I just wish there was a way to make people understand -- we are not the same people we were August 26, 2006 -- those people are gone -- the ones that took their place are fragile -- we are still trying to become whole again -- We don't expect people to walk on eggshells BUT we do hope that they would try to understand that a HUGE part of our heart is forever gone -- we are incomplete -- not sure when we will be whole again --

Sunday Nights

It has been 28 Sunday Nights since my world turned upside down -- 29 weeks ago yesterday (March 18) was the last time I talked to Kaitlyn.

Will my Sunday's ever be the same -- will I ever stop looking at the clock at 8:10 pm and think "What IF ..........."

Sunday Nights for me used to be watching Extreme Makeover, Depespate Housewives and Greys Anatomy with Kaitlyn -- it was something we did together -- Jon was at church and Jeremy was at work -- just us veggen out in front of the TV -- I have not watched any of these shows in 29 weeks -- I just can't do it --

When will Sunday nights be about veggin in front of the TV again with no flashbacks to that horrible night -- I still hear the paramedics talking when the DH theme song comes on -- to keep me sane I have to believe that one day I will get past this feeling of dread at 8:10 pm every Sunday -- that the time will come when Sunday Nights are just like any other night --

Unfortunately I don't see that happenning anytime soon

10 Year Plan

Today was a hard day for Jon and I -- Justin got married -- Justin has become a part of our family over the last couple of years. We love this kid and his family -- it was always my wish that Justin and Kaitlyn would get married one day - I called it my 10 Year Plan. Both of them laughed at me :)

That plan will never happen --

I really did not think today would be so HARD for us -- we have come to love Desare (Justin's new wife) very much -- but it just broke my heart today when it hit me -- I will NEVER have this day with Kaitlyn - I won't help her pick out her dress. I won't be able to laugh and have fun with her friends while decorating the church-- I will never get stressed over the details not going just right on her big day. I will never see Kaitlyn walk down the aisle to meet the man of her dreams -- I will never see the look of pure joy on Jon's face as he walks her down the aisle -- it just hit me like a ton of bricks as I was taking pictures -- my heart hurts today.

To Justin and Desare -- you will never know what today meant to me and Jon -- to be a part of your special day even in a small way will never be forgotten -- we got to meet a whole new group of GREAT kids -- and we got to see two very special people in our lives start their lives together -- much love and well wishes - we are always here for you two -- Now I have a new ten year plan -- I will be celebrating with Justin and Desare as they reach their 10 year anniversary.

Cheri

It's all about choices

Tonight I will be speaking to a group of High School Students who are a part of the Shattered Lives program:

Here is what I am going to say tonight -- hopefully it will get through and the choices will be the right one.

My name is Cheri Vallery and my daughter Kaitlyn died on August 27, 2006 . In my wildest dreams, I never thought something like this would happen to our family Many times we don’t realize the choices we make have more than just an impact on ourselves. Your choices are far reaching – they touch many people. Today at the accident scene many of your parents had to pretend to identify your bodies, pretend to react to the news that you had died, pretend to realize that they will NEVER see you again. For me it is not pretend – I had to do all of those things just six months ago without the luxury of Kaitlyn coming home the next day. All because of a choice she made

Death is forever – one bad choice can mean that your family’s lives are forever changed. Kaitlyn has a mom and dad – a mom that will never get to see her get dressed for the prom, see her graduate from high school, help her move into the dorm at college, shop for her wedding dress, be with her when her children our born. Her dad will never be able to harass her dates when they come to pick her up, never get to see her all dressed up for the prom, stand with pride when she graduates from high school and goes on to college, never get to walk her down the aisle when she gets married, never get to hold her children in his arms and have them call him papa bear like she did EVERYDAY.

Kaitlyn had a brother named Jeremy who no longer has his sister, they can no longer complain about me and their dad together, he lost his best friend – someone who has been a part if his life since he was 14 months old. She had grandparents that no longer have their granddaughter – no one to call them granny and grampy – no one to get hugs from, no one that is Kaitlyn.

She had aunts and uncles that miss her EVERYDAY. She has a 5 year old cousin named Sarah that still does not understand why Kaitlyn is not here anymore. Our family holidays and get togethers are forever changed –we will always have someone missing – someone that we wish was still there. When we want to “see” Kaitlyn we go to the cemetery – all we have to visit is a piece of metal that marks where she is buried. To hear her voice we call her cell phone hoping that by some miracle she will answer -- she doesn't All because of a choice that she made

Kaitlyn has MANY friends that still miss her very much. They cannot believe that their best is friend is dead and will never come back. No more will the hear the familiar “Hey Girlfriend”; see the huge smile she always had on her face. All of the plans and dreams that they made for the rest of their lives are forever changed. There will be no prom night for them, no Senior Trip, no first apt, no serving in each others wedding, no seeing their kids grow up together. These are ALL hopes and dreams Kaitlyn and her friends had with each other – but not anymore. All because of a choice that she made.

When you get into a vehicle with someone that has been drinking, smoking pot or anything else that makes them not able to drive a car safely you are making a choice that could affect your family and friends. When you get behind the wheel of a car and you have been drinking, smoking pot, rolling ect you are taking not only your life but the life of anyone that happens to be on the road with you in your hands. Think about your plans and dreams for the future – think about your mom and dad, your sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends – think about what there lives will be like All because of the choices that you make.

If you find yourself in a situation that just does not feel right to you – make a phone call – call your parents to come and pick you up – they may not be happy with you once you get home BUT I promise you that they would much rather get a call from YOU than a Police Officer or the Morgue, if you can’t call your parents call a friend that you know is sober or call ME – I will give each and everyone of you my phone number – I would much rather get woken up in the middle of the night then having to read in the paper that one of you were in an accident or worse – that I have to make a trip to the funeral home and see the devastation that your choice caused your family and friends–

I am sure by now that you notice a theme in my story – CHOICE – ultimately that is what it comes down too – CHOICES – it is up to you to decide if you the choice you make is going to be the right or wrong one. Each one of you received an orange awareness bracelet with Kaitlyn’s Promise on it – I would love you to wear it everyday as a reminder of the choices you have and how they affect everyone around you. Kaitlyn does not have that ability anymore – but I know in my heart that she would want each and everyone of one of you to make the right choice - -that is Kaitlyn’s Promise to you.