Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The empty chair

Last week my oldest Jeremy turned 20 -- where did time go -- It seems like yesterday I was a brand new mom with this little baby and then I turn around and he is grown (i know this is cliche but that is what it felt like) We are so lucky that he is our son and are very proud of him -- Jeremy has to deal with a very crazy mom that is constantly worried that something will happen to him and he does it without too much eye rolling --for that I am grateful --

We took Jeremy to dinner for his birthday as is our family tradition -- we went to Cheuy's and sat on the patio as it was a beautiful night. I am not sure why but since Kaitlyn died we have never sat at a table when eating out -- it has always been a booth when the three of us go out to dinner -- never even crossed my mind that we were doing this until last week -- the empty chair was almost too much for me to handle -- I had to work very hard not to start crying in the middle of the restaurant -- that would not have been fair to Jeremy -- it was his night and he deserved it to be about him -- but man it was so difficult -- I spent time thinking about how different the night should have been -- we should have all been together celebrating Jeremy's birthday -- I just wanted to hear them laugh together one more time -- tease each other and even argue - just to see them together -- to have our family complete one last time would have been amazing.

That empty chair was confirmation AGAIN that she is gone -- that our family is just never going to be the same and the time passing is not making it easier - in some ways it is getting harder because I want it to get better but when things like seeing the empty chair bring me to my knees it is like starting all over again in this grief process -- I just want this to even out somehow -- that the waves stop crashing over me when I least expect it -- I just want to stop my heart from hurting so much all the time.

I am not sure how I can make the pain go away but I do know that I will not be sitting at a table for a long time - I can't handle the empty chair right now