Kaitlyn had a love of life that was contagious -- she had fun where ever she went (sometimes a little too much fun) -- I miss her goofiness so much -- I would do anything to deal with her craziness -- her loudness -- HER just one more time -- will this pain EVER go away.
Jeremy misses her so much too and is hurting but does not know how to express his feelings -- so many times it comes out in other ways -- Impatient when things are not going his way, moodiness more than normal, easy to anger, and just plain sadness. Everyone has gone on with their lives -- expecting Jon, Jeremy and me to do the same -- it is not happening -- everyday we are reminded that our lives are NEVER going to be the same. What so many people take for granted we don't anymore. We are scared to get close to people because we know how much it hurts when it is gone. We treasure important people in our lives and don't let "little stuff" get in the way because we know that whatever happens NOTHING is as bad as what we have gone through already. At the same time we have an "I don't care" attitude that many people just don't get -- our whole way of living has forever changed us -- little things don't bother us anymore -- we don't sweat the small stuff -- I just wish there was a way to make people understand -- we are not the same people we were August 26, 2006 -- those people are gone -- the ones that took their place are fragile -- we are still trying to become whole again -- We don't expect people to walk on eggshells BUT we do hope that they would try to understand that a HUGE part of our heart is forever gone -- we are incomplete -- not sure when we will be whole again --
It has been 28 Sunday Nights since my world turned upside down -- 29 weeks ago yesterday (March 18) was the last time I talked to Kaitlyn.
Will my Sunday's ever be the same -- will I ever stop looking at the clock at 8:10 pm and think "What IF ..........."
Sunday Nights for me used to be watching Extreme Makeover, Depespate Housewives and Greys Anatomy with Kaitlyn -- it was something we did together -- Jon was at church and Jeremy was at work -- just us veggen out in front of the TV -- I have not watched any of these shows in 29 weeks -- I just can't do it --
When will Sunday nights be about veggin in front of the TV again with no flashbacks to that horrible night -- I still hear the paramedics talking when the DH theme song comes on -- to keep me sane I have to believe that one day I will get past this feeling of dread at 8:10 pm every Sunday -- that the time will come when Sunday Nights are just like any other night --
Unfortunately I don't see that happenning anytime soon
Today was a hard day for Jon and I -- Justin got married -- Justin has become a part of our family over the last couple of years. We love this kid and his family -- it was always my wish that Justin and Kaitlyn would get married one day - I called it my 10 Year Plan. Both of them laughed at me :)
That plan will never happen --
I really did not think today would be so HARD for us -- we have come to love Desare (Justin's new wife) very much -- but it just broke my heart today when it hit me -- I will NEVER have this day with Kaitlyn - I won't help her pick out her dress. I won't be able to laugh and have fun with her friends while decorating the church-- I will never get stressed over the details not going just right on her big day. I will never see Kaitlyn walk down the aisle to meet the man of her dreams -- I will never see the look of pure joy on Jon's face as he walks her down the aisle -- it just hit me like a ton of bricks as I was taking pictures -- my heart hurts today.
To Justin and Desare -- you will never know what today meant to me and Jon -- to be a part of your special day even in a small way will never be forgotten -- we got to meet a whole new group of GREAT kids -- and we got to see two very special people in our lives start their lives together -- much love and well wishes - we are always here for you two -- Now I have a new ten year plan -- I will be celebrating with Justin and Desare as they reach their 10 year anniversary.