Monday, February 25, 2008


In 2 days it will be 18 months since we lost Kaitlyn -- this month she would have turned 18 years old -- why does it feel like the 18 years flew by and the 18 months have been forever????

This weekend I went away to a scrap retreat with a great group of friends (both old and new) -- these ladies are crazy scrappers that never sleep while we are there -- it just boggles my mind that they are able to do this and still function -- me I need my sleep :) anyway ........ one of my closest friends who has been with my through ALL of the ups and downs with Kaitlyn was there with me -- her daughter is the same age as Kaitlyn so she is in the middle of all the Senior Year craziness and fun -- We were looking at the sneak peek of L's senior pictures and man it felt like I had been kicked in the stomach -- not that I was not wanting to see the pictures but realizing that I will not have that with Kaitlyn -- I had to leave the room so that I would not break down in front of all the ladies --

There is a reason for the long post -- I want ya'll to realize that it is OK to talk to me about what is going on with your kids -- I WANT to hear about it -- but also realize that I may have to step away for a bit at times to catch my breath or break down and cry - but it is not because of something that was said -- it is because that it just how it is for me now -- the pain and sadness does not go away because I don't hear the stories -- it is with me always -- BUT I am sad to know that I am missing out on the happiness and fun time that ya'll are experiancing. So PLEASE talk to me -- tell me what is going on -- and know that it is OK for me to cry or laugh or just walk away if I have to -- as weird as it sounds I need to do these things because it confirms that my love for Kaitlyn is still as strong as it was the day she was born and the day that we lost her. As her mom I need to know that these feelings are still in my heart.

I was telling Jon about what happened this weekend and he remineded me that this is how we are able to continue to live our lives, have happiness and even joy when the most horrible thing in the world for a parent has happened -- we are able to FEEL our love for Kaitlyn and this release allows us to continue living when many times we just want to stay in home and not face the reality that is now our lives.

For us our tears are not tears of sadness -- they are tears filled with LOVE.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Happy Birthday Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn would have been 18 last Thursday -- this is the day she looked forward to more than any that I can remember -- she wanted to be 18 so very bad -- to her it meant freedom -- to me it meant my baby was one step closer to becoming an adult -- she never did get to be 18 but I think she has the ultimate freedom now --

That day was extremely hard for Jon and I -- both of us had a very hard time that day -- which is weird because that has never happened before - usually one of us is there for the other one but Thursday was the hardest day for both of us since we lost Kaitlyn -- and since it has been so long no one thought to call us to see how we were doing -- so we had to rely on each other to get through the day -- it made us both realize that no matter what happens we WILL be there for each other and together we will make it through the bad day for the rest of our lives.

Kaitlyn's friends are all turning 18 this year too and many of them are getting tattoos as a remememberance of Kaitlyn -- Here is her friend Kelly's tattoo and why Kelly got the tattoo.

Ever since i met kaitlyn she has always loved butterflys. probabley because they are so beautiful and harmless just like her. Everyone could see no matter how much kait tried to seem tough, deep down she has such a big heart, she will do anything for you because she would never want to see her friends sad. A butterfly really symbolizes her, nothin else could be more perfect then gettin a butterly for her, but to show it is just for her i made the body of the butterfly a cross. and when i have the guts i will get it finished and put RIP kaitlyn over it like in a rainbow shape over the tattoo. im glad im one of the first people to get a tattoo for her because now all her friends wants to show how much they care. i got the tattoo as soon as i could and would have gotten it the day you left us but i had to wait till i turned 18 and i got it that day! i didnt wait another minute! i never want to forget kaitlyn and i feel like seeing this tattoo will always remind me. i think about her everyday since i see my tattoo in the mirror everyday, sometimes it makes me cry but other times it makes me so happy because i look at the bright side and see how much shes changed so many peoples lives. and it makes me so happy to know it will be there forever. :) just like she wil be in my heart forever. i will never find another friend like her but im so honered that i at least had her in my life for as long as i did. i love you and miss you terribly kait. keep watchin over us.