Merry Christmas Kaitlyn

Well here it is Christmas -- not sure how I am going to get through the next couple of days without you here. Kaitlyn I just miss you so much and I just want you back -- that is all I want for Christmas this year -- you think Santa can fit you in his sleigh. This feeling is almost as bad as the first day that I lost you -- it just doesn't seem like it is real -- that you are just going to come in the door --what up ?????? hey girlfriend !!!!! love yu mom -- just one more time I want to hear those words -- Kaitlyn -- I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL :)

Merry Christmas Kaitlyn -- you are missed and you are LOVED--

Memorial for Kaitlyn

Jon and I would like to do something at the school that Kaitlyn attended as a memorial -- plant a Magnolia Tree. I keep second guessing my self -- will they want her memory to live on at the school -- is she worthy -- In MY mind she is BUT what about other people -- how will they feel -- how would I feel if it was not MY child -- I do know that Kaitlyn LOVED going to school at College Park -- (and that is saying a lot because she HATED school) -- and I know that she felt good about herself there -- the teachers and administration have my undieing gratitude for the way our family has been treated -- they were awesome. This is how ALL schools should be.

Maybe I am being paranoid and this is a non issue -- I just don't know what I will do if they tell me NO -- I don't think they will BUT what if they do -- I just know that I think her memory might save a life when people hear her story they may think twice about their choices and her memory will do something positive--

I am rambling today because my thoughts are ALL over the place -- I really want this to happen for her but at the same time I am scared of the possible outcome -- I will update more when I get the answer from the school.

Let me say her name

So many times lately I have noticed that uncomfortable look on people's faces when I say Kaitlyn name or talk about her. It makes me wonder -- Have I done that in the past? and if I did OMGosh I am so sorry.

Talking about Kaitlyn, remembering her quirks is all I have left of her. It is all I can do now. While everyone else is talking about what their kids are DOING all I can do is talk about what Kaitlyn has DONE. I have no future to talk about, only memories. So please let me talk about them without feeling like I am making you uncomfortable. Try to put yourself in my place, Kaitlyn is still my daughter and I still want -- no make that NEED to talk about her. She will always be a HUGE part of my life - she is on my mind each and every moment of the day.

So next time you tell a story about one of your kids -- take a moment and think --how would you feel if every time you mentioned your child's name someone tried to change the subject, had a uncomfortable look on their face or just stopped talking to you. What if most people that you come across each day would do this-- how would you feel???

This is my new normal -- it sucks

Memories of Christmas 1976

I can so relate to my grandmother who lost her son in 1976. My uncle was 42 and he died a couple of weeks before Christmas -- I was 12. My Mamom was the greatest person -- we always went to her house for Christmas eve -- it was so much fun -- but Christmas 1976 was different. She was so sad and really did not want to celebrate. At 12 I just did not understand -- but now I do -- I just cannot imagine what Christmas will be like -- no one gets this pain that a mom feels when they loose a child -- it changes you in a way that you can NEVER recover from.

MaMom -- I get it now -- I understand why you were so sad -- and I understand why you were never the same after Dec 1976. Please keep an eye on Kaitlyn -- I know that you two would have gotten along great.

My Child

This essay was sent to a email support group that I belong to -- the author has put into words what is in my heart better than I can.

I love you Kaitlyn -- and I am so sorry --


My Child By, Steven Waller

I love you and have always loved you. I have tried to show you by my words and actions this love, but realize I may have fallen short of this goal many times.

To the best of my ability, with the work of my body, the limits of my mind and the strength of my soul, I have tried to give you love, shelter and food. I have tried to give youas much of my time as possible in this hectic, hurried world.

I have tried to give you fun and laughter. I have tried to give you the safety and protection you have a right to and I have an obligation to give. I have tried to let you know about life's unpleasantries without scaring you too much.

I have tried to give you as much trust as possible in an apparently untrusting world.

In all my breaths, my true intention has never been to hurt you or bring you any unnecessary pain. I have tried to be to you the best parent I could with the tools given to me. I want you to know that for any times I have hurt you, disappointed you, or let you down, knowingly or unkowingly, I am sorry.

I am sorry for my shortcomings and the mistakes I made that caused you any pain. For this I ask your forgiveness, only when and if you are willing to give it.Thank you for the pleasures and treasures you have given me, both deserved and not.

There has never been anything you have done that has taken away my unconditional love for you. Always and now, in my eyes, heart and soul, you are to me the most beautiful bud, the lovliest bloom, and the most perfect flower.I have loved you from the day you were born...

I love you with every breath you have taken... I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER

Nine Weeks

It has been nine weeks since I have spoken to Kaitlyn -- nine weeks since I have seen her -- nine weeks since I have hugged her -- nine weeks since I have not felt like I have a hole in my heart.

I go to bed each night hoping and praying that I will wake up and this will be some crazy ass dream - but each morning I wake up and realize nope not a dream -- it still pretty much sucks.

I just miss her soooo much -- this weekend we should have been going crazy getting ready for the Newcoming dance at College Park - fussing about her dress -- laughing while getting her hair done. Instead I brought a plant to her gravesite --

I just want to hold on to any and all memories of her - I want her friends to NEVER forget her -- I want my family to talk about her -- remember her -- continue to love her - I want the pain to go away -- I just want to return to my old normal.

I sometimes feel like I am respondsible for the pain everyone is feeling -- like it is my fault that Kaitlyn is gone -- not that she died but that she is gone -- like I need to do something to make everyone feel better - irrational I know -- I can't be there for everyone -- I DON'T want to be there for anyone -- I can't fix this -- I can't make it better --

Maybe one day this will be easier -- but nine weeks later -- NOPE still sucks

Tomorrow is the beginning....

of me fulfilling my promise to you -- I am going to be talking to the parents at the Jr High. I hope I do OK -- I just want to make sure that no one goes through this pain. I know that the Kaitlyn that lived here on earth would think what I am doing is gay and that I should mind my own business -- BUT the Kaitlyn that is living with Jesus is cheering me on.

I want to do you proud baby girl -- I want your life to mean something to more than just family. You brought so much joy and happiness to so many people. Your friends still go to your my space just about everyday. They have come by to see us and I can see the pain in their eyes. I am doing this for them almost as much as for you. I love your friends and I miss the noise -- even though I complained -- I miss the noise -- and the smelly perfume :)

I love you my angel -- always and forever

Jeremy

I have another child -- Jeremy -- my first born -- the one that made me a mom --

He is so lost without his sister and I am so scared for him - scared that he may never get over this, scared that he too will be taken from me, scared that I will push him away when I am holding on too tight.

I don't know how to fix this for him -- I can't take away the pain that I know he is feeling. I am his mom -- I am supposed to take care of him, protect him, make it all better -- only this time I can't. We are doing this together - Jon Jeremy and me -- our family of four is now three -- I guess it is a new normal for us too.

This is his senior year and he has such plans -- he is ready to spread his wings and fly. I am not ready for him to go yet but I know that it is not fair to hold him back. He has great dreams and I want him to experiance life -- HIS life -- not a life that I wish for him now but the life he wishes for himself. I am trying very hard to make sure that I give him the encouragement and even "permission" to live his life to the fullest. I don't want him to feel like I am putting all of MY hopes and dreams for the future that abruptly changed in a blink of an eye. My wish for him is that he lives the life he WANTS to live and lives it to the fullest.

Jeremy my son -- just give me some time -- I LOVE YOU.

Why Kaitlyn....

This is a question that I get asked everyday by one of her friends -- why Kaitlyn -- why not someone else --

I always new that I believed in God -- but nothing has tested my faith and confirmed it more than losing my precious Kaitlyn. God had bigger plans for her -- her job here on earth was done.

A couple of days before Kaitlyn died her and I were talking -- I always told her that my biggest fear was coming home to find her dead -- that I would never see her again -- She ALWAYS came back with -- MOM -- God new me before I was born and when I was born he knew when I was going to die. He has it written in a book :) This is what she believed -- and so do I -- I am so thankful that we had this talk --because while the pain is still great -- I am at peace knowing my beautiful Kaitlyn is with God.

A couple of weeks ago I was on message board -- I was having a VERY bad day and one of the responses led me to PSALM 139. Being brought up Catholic I was not familiar with PSALM 139 so I went to look for it.

Here is just a small exerpt:

13 For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. [1]Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,the days that were formed for me,when as yet there were none of them

I got it Kaitlyn -- heard you loud and clear.

Why Kaitlyn -- because it was her time.

Kaitlyn was no angel......

BUT I am so SICK of hearing all the "bad" things that she did. She was my daughter damn it and I don't care what she did -- I would take her back in a minute just they way she was -- drugs and all -- it just amazes me that her friends and even Jon think I REALLY want to know this -- it won't change anything -- it won't bring her back BUT it does break my heart each and everytime they share something with me -- then I have supposed family members who think they are better because "their" kid is not doing this BULLSHIT -- no one's kid is perfect and I bet if they spend ONE second in my shoes they would be glad to have their precious child back with them EVEN if they are not perfect.

She should be remembered for the GREAT friend she was -- she stood up for the underdog -- she liked you NO MATTER who you were -- IT DID NOT matter to her. She was a beautiful person inside and out -- I want her to be remembered that way -- NOT as some druggie who did not have a better side of her. SO PLEASE STOP - maybe I am in denial right now -- but I cannot handle this right now -- SHE IS MY DAUGHTER AND I WILL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN - so you win -- she is gone -- she will never do another drug again -- BUT she will never laugh. hug me , talk to me again either -- so guess what YOU WIN

Somedays are better than others

This morning I woke up and thought to myself -- OK this is going to be a good day I can feel it. I am not fooling myself -- I know just about anything can send my over the edge -- but so far it has been a good day (good being relative to my new normal).

Poetic Acceptance - for grieving parents: Important Grief and Bereavement Sites

Poetic Acceptance - for grieving parents: Important Grief and Bereavement Sites

My first post

August 27, 2006 -- A day that I wish I could do over -- a day that I wish would just be like any other day -- the day that my beautiful 16 year old daughter Kaitlyn died.

I have felt so many emotions since that day -- some I understand -- some take me to my knees in a pain that I cannot begin to explain. She was my world -- my best friend -- my life. I miss her more everyday -- it still does not seem real -- I keep waiting to hear her voice -- but then reality hits and I know that will never happen --

My new normal SUCKS