Monday, October 09, 2006

Jeremy


I have another child -- Jeremy -- my first born -- the one that made me a mom --

He is so lost without his sister and I am so scared for him - scared that he may never get over this, scared that he too will be taken from me, scared that I will push him away when I am holding on too tight.

I don't know how to fix this for him -- I can't take away the pain that I know he is feeling. I am his mom -- I am supposed to take care of him, protect him, make it all better -- only this time I can't. We are doing this together - Jon Jeremy and me -- our family of four is now three -- I guess it is a new normal for us too.

This is his senior year and he has such plans -- he is ready to spread his wings and fly. I am not ready for him to go yet but I know that it is not fair to hold him back. He has great dreams and I want him to experiance life -- HIS life -- not a life that I wish for him now but the life he wishes for himself. I am trying very hard to make sure that I give him the encouragement and even "permission" to live his life to the fullest. I don't want him to feel like I am putting all of MY hopes and dreams for the future that abruptly changed in a blink of an eye. My wish for him is that he lives the life he WANTS to live and lives it to the fullest.

Jeremy my son -- just give me some time -- I LOVE YOU.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you know... sometimes you just have to put a little faith in him. One thing i have learned through my life is that you can never earn true deep trust without throwing it all in. You can't ever get to know someone so deeply that you feel as if you've known them forever and a day. Im not saying that you need to let him just never check in, or just let him blow tons of money because that could just be a cover up for his pain. But what i am saying is that if you let him do things little by little he won't ever truely gain your trust back, he'll just earn it for those situations.

A really good bible quote I seem to find fit for this is "If you cant be trust with small responsibility, how can i ever give you anything large and possibly cumbersome to handle" now that isnt a direct quote and i apologize for not knowing a direct reference, but i do remember it very vidily from a bible study and it has left a big mark.

What im tryin to say is that once he has proven that he can still get by with his day to day responsibilities, try giving him something bigger. Let him push his own limits, thats how he can and will truely live his own life. Let him do things he planned because if not, it can be very easily viewed as he is being held back because of this tragedy and it could make him hurt even more inside.

Much love Cheri.

- 2cents offerer