Hope

I have a friend that I met on 2Peas and she is going through crap with her daughter -- her daughter ran away and was gone for three weeks. Mom was frantic with worry and thankfully daughter returned safe -- they have a long road ahead of them but for now her daughter is safe. Hugs to you both and know that we are here for you.

This got me thinking -- and wondering -- would it be better to not know where Kaitlyn was and have the hope that she may walk in the door OR have the knowledge of where she is and know that I will never see her again (well until I get to Heaven)

This is what my friend wrote to me about her feelings:

"The hope of seeing her again really WAS the only thing that kept me going most of the time.. take that away and well I don't know how you go on. "

I don't have anything to compare the two feelings too because Kaitlyn never went missing so I guess it is easy for me to say that I would change places with them because I wish so desperately that I still had the HOPE that she will maybe one day walk through the door again.

While I empathize with families that have loved ones missing I can't help but be jealous of the HOPE that they still have. I am sure that they are hurting and missing their loved ones and while I wish I could say that I understand -- I don't because I would LOVE to change places with them (I think).

Dreams of Kaitlyn

For the past couple of nights I have been having dreams of Kaitlyn -- it has been in the same setting -- a summer camp. She was SO happy. She was swimming, hanging with her friends (it is funny because the only ones I recognized were Wesley and Stephen Cage but there were lots of kids there) -- they were just having a great time. She would talk to me but it was always from across the "park". She told me that she knew we wanted her home but that they were VERY HAPPY there and that we should be happy for them. She would then go with her friends and turn and wave goodbye -- I would wake up at that moment,

Then last night something changed She came to me and I was able to hug her -- really hug her -- I swear I smelled her perfume and I FELT her in my arms - it was so amazing. She whispered in my ear that she loved me and that I would be OK. I didn't want to let go but she told me I had to let her go -- she walked across the park turned and waved goodbye -- then I woke up.

It was so hard to wake up and realize that this was a dream -- IT WAS SO REAL.

I want this to stop -- I want to wake up and realize that the dream is that she died -- that she is still here -- is that really too much to ask????

My new normal still sucks