Nine Weeks

It has been nine weeks since I have spoken to Kaitlyn -- nine weeks since I have seen her -- nine weeks since I have hugged her -- nine weeks since I have not felt like I have a hole in my heart.

I go to bed each night hoping and praying that I will wake up and this will be some crazy ass dream - but each morning I wake up and realize nope not a dream -- it still pretty much sucks.

I just miss her soooo much -- this weekend we should have been going crazy getting ready for the Newcoming dance at College Park - fussing about her dress -- laughing while getting her hair done. Instead I brought a plant to her gravesite --

I just want to hold on to any and all memories of her - I want her friends to NEVER forget her -- I want my family to talk about her -- remember her -- continue to love her - I want the pain to go away -- I just want to return to my old normal.

I sometimes feel like I am respondsible for the pain everyone is feeling -- like it is my fault that Kaitlyn is gone -- not that she died but that she is gone -- like I need to do something to make everyone feel better - irrational I know -- I can't be there for everyone -- I DON'T want to be there for anyone -- I can't fix this -- I can't make it better --

Maybe one day this will be easier -- but nine weeks later -- NOPE still sucks

Tomorrow is the beginning....

of me fulfilling my promise to you -- I am going to be talking to the parents at the Jr High. I hope I do OK -- I just want to make sure that no one goes through this pain. I know that the Kaitlyn that lived here on earth would think what I am doing is gay and that I should mind my own business -- BUT the Kaitlyn that is living with Jesus is cheering me on.

I want to do you proud baby girl -- I want your life to mean something to more than just family. You brought so much joy and happiness to so many people. Your friends still go to your my space just about everyday. They have come by to see us and I can see the pain in their eyes. I am doing this for them almost as much as for you. I love your friends and I miss the noise -- even though I complained -- I miss the noise -- and the smelly perfume :)

I love you my angel -- always and forever

Jeremy

I have another child -- Jeremy -- my first born -- the one that made me a mom --

He is so lost without his sister and I am so scared for him - scared that he may never get over this, scared that he too will be taken from me, scared that I will push him away when I am holding on too tight.

I don't know how to fix this for him -- I can't take away the pain that I know he is feeling. I am his mom -- I am supposed to take care of him, protect him, make it all better -- only this time I can't. We are doing this together - Jon Jeremy and me -- our family of four is now three -- I guess it is a new normal for us too.

This is his senior year and he has such plans -- he is ready to spread his wings and fly. I am not ready for him to go yet but I know that it is not fair to hold him back. He has great dreams and I want him to experiance life -- HIS life -- not a life that I wish for him now but the life he wishes for himself. I am trying very hard to make sure that I give him the encouragement and even "permission" to live his life to the fullest. I don't want him to feel like I am putting all of MY hopes and dreams for the future that abruptly changed in a blink of an eye. My wish for him is that he lives the life he WANTS to live and lives it to the fullest.

Jeremy my son -- just give me some time -- I LOVE YOU.

Why Kaitlyn....

This is a question that I get asked everyday by one of her friends -- why Kaitlyn -- why not someone else --

I always new that I believed in God -- but nothing has tested my faith and confirmed it more than losing my precious Kaitlyn. God had bigger plans for her -- her job here on earth was done.

A couple of days before Kaitlyn died her and I were talking -- I always told her that my biggest fear was coming home to find her dead -- that I would never see her again -- She ALWAYS came back with -- MOM -- God new me before I was born and when I was born he knew when I was going to die. He has it written in a book :) This is what she believed -- and so do I -- I am so thankful that we had this talk --because while the pain is still great -- I am at peace knowing my beautiful Kaitlyn is with God.

A couple of weeks ago I was on message board -- I was having a VERY bad day and one of the responses led me to PSALM 139. Being brought up Catholic I was not familiar with PSALM 139 so I went to look for it.

Here is just a small exerpt:

13 For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. [1]Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,the days that were formed for me,when as yet there were none of them

I got it Kaitlyn -- heard you loud and clear.

Why Kaitlyn -- because it was her time.

Kaitlyn was no angel......

BUT I am so SICK of hearing all the "bad" things that she did. She was my daughter damn it and I don't care what she did -- I would take her back in a minute just they way she was -- drugs and all -- it just amazes me that her friends and even Jon think I REALLY want to know this -- it won't change anything -- it won't bring her back BUT it does break my heart each and everytime they share something with me -- then I have supposed family members who think they are better because "their" kid is not doing this BULLSHIT -- no one's kid is perfect and I bet if they spend ONE second in my shoes they would be glad to have their precious child back with them EVEN if they are not perfect.

She should be remembered for the GREAT friend she was -- she stood up for the underdog -- she liked you NO MATTER who you were -- IT DID NOT matter to her. She was a beautiful person inside and out -- I want her to be remembered that way -- NOT as some druggie who did not have a better side of her. SO PLEASE STOP - maybe I am in denial right now -- but I cannot handle this right now -- SHE IS MY DAUGHTER AND I WILL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN - so you win -- she is gone -- she will never do another drug again -- BUT she will never laugh. hug me , talk to me again either -- so guess what YOU WIN