It has been nine weeks since I have spoken to Kaitlyn -- nine weeks since I have seen her -- nine weeks since I have hugged her -- nine weeks since I have not felt like I have a hole in my heart.
I go to bed each night hoping and praying that I will wake up and this will be some crazy ass dream - but each morning I wake up and realize nope not a dream -- it still pretty much sucks.
I just miss her soooo much -- this weekend we should have been going crazy getting ready for the Newcoming dance at College Park - fussing about her dress -- laughing while getting her hair done. Instead I brought a plant to her gravesite --
I just want to hold on to any and all memories of her - I want her friends to NEVER forget her -- I want my family to talk about her -- remember her -- continue to love her - I want the pain to go away -- I just want to return to my old normal.
I sometimes feel like I am respondsible for the pain everyone is feeling -- like it is my fault that Kaitlyn is gone -- not that she died but that she is gone -- like I need to do something to make everyone feel better - irrational I know -- I can't be there for everyone -- I DON'T want to be there for anyone -- I can't fix this -- I can't make it better --
Maybe one day this will be easier -- but nine weeks later -- NOPE still sucks
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My world changed on August 27, 2006. That is the day that my beautiful daughter Kaitlyn died at the age of 16. My new normal began that day......
3 comments:
I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry about the loss of you daughter. She was a really beautiful girl. I'm praying for you and your family. *hugs* I have a friend who was into "dusting" and other substance abuse, and I shared with her what happened to your daughter. She has since decided to quit and is working hard to get clean. I know it doesn't bring back your daughter, but it may have saved Genni.
I understand exactly what you mean about feeling like you're supposed to do something to make everyone else feel better. I also know that the feeling is such a burden. I'm glad to see that you know you can't fix this for them or for yourself. Yeah, it still sucks, but you've got enough suckage to deal with for yourself - let them deal with their own.
Can you invite her friends over to talk about her? I'm sure they're feeling the same way you do and need a place to talk.
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